美帝名校大四生一句話概括自己的論文！我真不知道自己寫的是啥….

你被Final折磨得痛苦不堪，而在美帝大學有這樣一群人卻早已嗨翻天，他們或許會走在路上突然起舞，或許會跑到草叢猛然嘔吐，原因就是他們的論文終於寫完了！那麼畢業論文到底是個什麼東西呢？下面跟著主頁君來看看世界各地的大四狗是如何掏心掏肺的用一句話概(tu)括(cao)自己的論文的吧。

From Panopath過來人

微信號：Panopath_liuxue

這些天，Ap的烏雲漸漸罩上高中學生的天靈蓋，Final的折磨也讓大學狗們半死不活，與之形成鮮明對比的，是

剛剛交完畢業論文（thesis）的大四狗

。

如果在人人自危的Final Week期間，你看到有人在噴泉中跳舞，在草叢裡嘔吐。 別擔心，這些人只是寫完論文太開心了。

因為寫論文真的是一個很痛苦的過程啊！

當你的數據有問題的時候，當你的模型有問題的時候，當你明明什麼問題也沒有，都提前寫完了，導師卻貪得無厭的又要你「延伸」一下某一個話題的時候。

拖延....悄無聲息的擴散開來。

「

一個受過高等教育的人的拖延，那必然是不可阻擋的。

」——冰心

可不是么，兩個哈佛大四狗，就在憋不出論文的拖延當中，做出了一個讓更多大四狗陷入拖延的論壇。

「LOL MY THESIS"(噗噗噗我的論文）

這個論壇的概念很簡單，就是

用一句話概括自己的畢業論文

。

比方說這個網站程序員的論文題目就是

Global network infrastructures are held together by duct tape, spit, and prayers.

Computer Science, Harvard

全球互聯網的基底不堪一擊，就像是用玻璃膠，唾沫星子和少女的祈禱勉強粘在一起的。

此舉馬上引發了大量世界各地的大四狗掏心掏肺的用一句話概(tu)括(cao)自己的論文

I studied a protein for 4,5 years nobody ever studied before. Now I know why.
Biochemistry, University of Hohenheim

我研究了一種四五年來沒人研究過的蛋白質，現在我知道它為什麼四五年來都沒人研究過了。

I made a new chemical that kills cancer cells, it also kills everything else
Chemistry, Leiden University

我做出了一種化學物質可以殺死癌細胞！！！不過它把其他所有的東西都殺光了...

I tried to make explosives, but they just fell to nanopieces.
Materials Chemistry, Washington University

我想搞出些大爆炸，結果它們就只是自個兒碎成了一小片一小片

No one in finance has any idea what they are doing.
Economics, Claremont

搞金融的其實也不知道他們在做啥

Playing World of Warcraft helps me understand economic principles…seriously.
Mathematics and Economics, UC San Diego

玩WoW讓我理解經濟學原理...真噠

The more money your wife makes, the longer you can sit around on your ass before finding a job.
Economics, University of Notre Dame

「Spousal Income as Insurance in the Job Search Market」

你老婆賺的錢越多，你可以失業在家摳腳的時間就越多

It sucks to be poor. Unless there』s an economic crisis- then maybe it doesn』t suck, but it probably still does.
Economics, NYU Abu Dhabi

A Sector Analysis of Emerging Economies During Crisis

沒錢真的很糟，除非經濟危機了，那可能就沒那麼糟了，當然有可能還是很糟。

正經標題：經濟危機下的新興經濟體研究

After one year of numerical modelling, I have still no clue what is going on in the oil market.
Economics, Berlin

經過一整年的數學建模，我還是搞不懂原油市場到底是怎麼了

Heavy stuff is hard to sell online.
Economics, Harvard

「The Price Is Right: Evidence of Supply-Side Constraints in Online Retail」

重的東西很難放在網上賣

Yeah, communism didn』t work, but capitalism doesn』t really work either, and no i don』t have a solution i』m just pointing it out
Philosophy (economic/political focus), University of Denver

Good on Paper, But Not in Practice: The Moral and Practical Failings of the Current Economic Systems

蒽，共產主義不Work, 不過資本主義其實也不Work。 不我才沒有什麼解決方法我就是那麼一說。

Turns out almost everything is a waste of time
Ancient Philosophy, Dartmouth College

Seneca the Younger』s Ethics of Time

事實證明，做什麼都是浪費時間

Why I will be me tomorrow… yeah, squeeze 10,000 words outta that.
Philosophy, King』s College London

「How To Preserve Personal Identity Over Time」

為什麼「我」明天還是「我」...蒽，我擠出了10,000字呢

If everyone could just shut the fuck up we wouldn』t have to worry about freedom of speech

Philosophy, University of Michigan

如果大家都tm閉上嘴就沒有言論自由的問題了

No One is Talking About What They Think They』re Talking About, Including Me Probably

Philosophy, University of Pittsburgh

你所說的 不是你以為你在說的，也包括我說的哦～

What if, like, adding one hair to a bald man』s dome could make him immediately not bald, but we could just never know?

Philosophy, Vassar College

也許...在禿頭上加一根頭髮，他就瞬間不禿了....只是我們不知道....

So if Person A is like 「[blah blah blah]」 and Person B is like 「Oh, you mean like [yada yada yada]?」 and Person A is like 「No, I mean [blah blah blah]」 and Person B is like 「Nah, bro, I』m pretty sure you mean [yada yada yada]」, Person B is being both philosophically unsound and a dick.
Philosophy, Middlebury College

如果A說「不拉不拉不拉」， B說「哦，你的意思是呀噠呀噠呀噠」
A說「不，我的意思是不拉不拉不拉」
然後B說「不，哥們兒，我很確信你在說呀噠呀噠呀噠」
那麼從哲學意義上B非常不合理，而且他就是一個混蛋。

Psychopaths just don』t give a shit.
Psychology, The University of Texas at Austin

蛇精病根本不鳥你

Psychopaths are mean.
Psychology, University College London.

蛇精病真的很過分

There is a little psychopath in all of us.
Psychology, Northwestern

其實我們多多少少都有點蛇精

Like people, some rats are procrastinating jerks, and some rats are ambitious badasses, here is how I convinced them all to find the jellybean in the end.This theory didn』t work on my lazy boyfriend.
Psychology, Monash University

Labour and Happiness; The Relationship Between Difficulty of Task and Chemical Brain Activity

就像人一樣，有些老鼠很拖延，有些老鼠很爭氣。 我成功調教了所有鼠去找糖豆。但這個理論在我懶惰的男票身上根本不管用。

Money can buy happiness, sorry.
Psychology, Middle East Technical University

不好意思，有錢真的可以買到快樂。

Turns out, people don』t like it when you sleep with their girlfriend.
Psychology, Duke University

事實證明...人們不喜歡你睡他們女票

Forty undergrads watched pornography with me and it didn』t fry their memory.
Psychology, Moravian College.

The Naked Truth: The Effects of Pornography on Memory Recall

我邀請40個本科生跟我一起看黃片，但是他們的記憶力並沒有因此下降

Psychology is not a real science, and people don』t think of it as a real science.
Psychology, Yale University

心理並不是真正的科學，反正也沒人覺得它是。

Turns out that a small sample of college students provides very inconclusive and insignificant results.
Psychology, Stetson University

（都是淚） 一小撮大學生根本不具備統計顯著性。

College math is way harder than high school math and nobody likes it.
Mathematics, University of Victoria

大學數學比高中數學難多了而且也沒人喜歡

And so it turns out that a sphere is not, in fact, a donut.
Math, Lewis & Clark College

事實上Sphere其實，並不是甜甜圈形狀的

Computations. A lot of computations. You don』t see the point ? I don』t either.
Mathematics, Rouen (France)

計算.....超多計算...你搞不懂這有啥意義？我也不懂啊

Stalin had bad taste in architecture
History and Russian Studies

斯大林對建築的品味真的超級差

Japan hasn』t acknowledged responsibility for its war crimes because the US is a meddling asshole
History, Brown University

「Examining factors that explain the differences between the acceptance and atonement of war crimes of Japan and Germany in the decades following World War Two」

日本不覺得自己要對二戰里做的屎事負責，因為美國是個愛管閑事的臭傻逼。

Congress can』t be fixed because Congress is Congress and Congress is Stupid
History of Public Policy, UCSB

The Decline and Fall of the Southern Democrats; A Case Study in Political Change

誰也帶不動國會，因為國會是國會，而國會很Stupid。

People kill people in war because that』s what you do.
History, Western Illinois University

人在打仗的時候會殺人，因為...你還能幹嘛呢？

Oooh, pretty manuscript.
Medieval History and Literature, Harvard College

哇哦哦哦，好看的手稿耶～～

Someone wrote a book about my thesis which was published in the last month I was working on it, so here are some fun facts about San Francisco.
History, Scripps College.

上個月，當我在努力憋我的論文時，有一個人就同樣的話題出了一整本書...好了現在我們來看一看我的新作品 《不可不知的三番小趣聞》

Sailboats go faster when there』s more wind.
Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering, Webb Institute

「Developing a Velocity Prediction Program for Sailing Yachts Using an Artificial Neural Network 」

震驚！風大的時候，帆船開得更快。

Can we make big planes better? Turns out we can』t.
Mechanical Engineering, University of New South Wales (Australia)

「An Investigation into Energy Recovery Systems for Large Commercial Aircraft via Comparative Cycle, Sensitivity and Exergetic Analyses」

我們能讓大飛機更棒嗎？不我們不能。

If more Americans studied engineering, there would probably be more American engineers.
MSc, Management, the Frankfurt School of Finance & Management

The U.S. Manufacturing Talent Crisis: systemic trends, company policy, and their potential effects on American manufacturing employment and global competitiveness

轉瘋了！如果更多美國人學工程的話，將會有更多美國工程師

Micromotors: So Cool, So Useless
Electrical Engineering, Case Western Reserve University

「Characterization of a Closed-Loop Micromotor Control System」

微型發動機：

超酷炫！超沒用！

Blah blah blah; you stopped listening anyway becase it』s about statistics.
Decision Sciences and Engineering Systems, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
A New Method for Multivariate Analysis of Rank Order Data

布拉布拉布拉，你已經沒在聽了因為這是無聊到爆的統計

If it ain』t broke, try to fix it until it is.
Electrical and computer Engineering, Instituto Superior Técnico in Lisbon

如果它沒壞，請修到它壞掉為止。

When you burn something, it will be gone.
Aerospace Engineering, University of Stuttgart, Germany

如果你燒掉了什麼東西，它就沒了...

I was payed to sit on a hillside and count grass and then my research site burned down, so here』s a mathematical model I don』t understand
Environmental Studies - Biology, Whitman College

Investigating Populations of Pseudoroegneria spicata in Eastern Washington using a Stochastic Integral Projection Model

我本來開開心心的在山上帶薪數小草，然後那兒燒沒了，所以...這兒是一個我根本不懂的數學模型...

I killed approximately 15,000 plants to find out…yeah, they die when you put them in an oven.
Evolutionary Biology, San Diego State University

在搞死了大概15，000隻植物之後我發現....蒽，把植物放進微波爐，它們就會死

My invasive fruit flies won』t have sex for me.
Botany/Entomology, New College of Florida

我的果蠅不願意為我啪啪啪

Where the fuck is the RNA?
Chemical & Physical Biology, Harvard College

Thinking Outside the Cell: Nucleic Acid Content of Exosomes and Extracellular Fluid
RNA他媽在哪？

RNA is a bitch
Molecular Biology, Scripps College

RNA就是個臭婊子

When angry, sea cucumbers blow their guts out through their anus
Marine Biology, University of Western Australia

氣到屁爆的時候，海參會把腸子噴出肛門...

Turns out, these fish are way more social on a Friday night than I am.
Biology, Stanford University

The Neural Mechanism of Social Ascent: A Novel Role for Isotocin and Arginine Vasotocin in Behavior Modulation during Social Flux

搞了半天，

這些魚在周五晚上比我Social多了

...

Put a worm where there』s no food: it』ll crawl away.
Developmental Genetics, Rockefeller University.

The long-range directional behavior of the nematode C. elegans.

把蟲子放到一個沒有吃的的地方，他就會爬走....

Jellyfish don』t like it when you acidify their tank
Marine Biology, St Andrews

水母不喜歡你酸化它的水缸

Wild chimpanzees drink when they are thirsty
Biology, University of Neuchatel

野生的大猩猩口渴的時候...竟然會喝水！

Everybody poops. EVERYBODY.
Biology, University of Pittsburgh

所有人都拉屎，所有人！！

I try to tell cells how much stuff to make. They ignore me.
Biology, Stanford University

Engineering bidirectional chemical regulation of endogenous genes.

我嘗試告訴細胞們要做些什麼，他們無視了我

哈哈哈哈哈哈這些論文真的沒問題嗎？？？
但是仔細想想，好像也沒什麼不對？

在這裡祝各位大四狗，交Thesis快樂了！最後.....讓我們來用一個人的論文概括結尾吧！

Stories are good, life is hard, let』s dance about it.

Humanities, New College of Florida

故事不錯，人生艱辛，不如跳舞

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