雙語︱救命！我變成了一隻狗

人人網上又有人給你點"贊"啦?又從QQ上收到好友的生日祝福啦?你又有微博被瘋狂轉發?朋友圈裡又收到N多評論啦?看著自己在網路的虛擬世界中如此大受歡迎,你一定在為自己的好人緣而開心不已。不過,你可別開心過頭。若是發生了什麼匪夷所思的事,比如你突然變成了一隻狗……再看看網上"好友"們的反應吧!

嗨，Facebook上的朋友們！

我需要你們幫幫忙：我已經被變成了一隻狗。我不知道是怎麼回事兒，但我剛一走進我那遠在佛蒙特州的小屋就覺得不對勁。我的鼻子似乎突然變長了許多，還變得更濕，然後我就看見了烤箱門上自己的影子。呃，好吧，雖然我的頭腦還是人類的，但我的身體卻變成了一隻狗。這不是在開玩笑。我設法拍了一張自認為還可以叫做自拍照的照片——這張狗頭照，其實是我。我正在用我的爪子打字呢，不過又笨又慢(到現在為止，這條狀態我已經寫了快五個小時了)。幸好我還能通過在廁所沖水給自己補充水分，也找到了我在變成狗之前還沒吃掉的食物。我的地址和路線如下。

* * *

再次問好。

謝謝你們各位給我的上一條狀態點「贊」，但鑒於所有的評論都在一邊倒地說「好可愛的狗狗！」或是「你在哪兒找到你新的小夥伴的？」我猜你們誰都沒有看這條狀態，而僅僅掃了一眼照片就以為是我買了一隻狗。所以，我再說清楚一些：是我變成了一隻狗，並且需要有人把我從偏遠的佛蒙特小屋裡救出來。

* * *

好吧，我完全理解你們的反應——哈哈，加里，你太搞笑了，假裝自己變形成了一隻狗，還發到Facebook上來嚇人。可是我沒開玩笑。我現在真的是一隻狗，而且在過去的72小時里都是一隻狗。我的視力真的很差，所以很難從烤箱門上看清自己的樣子，不過要是有人感興趣的話，我覺得自己是一隻英國可卡獵犬。貌似沒人相信我，更別提幫忙了。我現在越來越擔心自己最終會餓死在這兒，死了也還得被困在這個嶄新的狗軀殼裡。再發一遍，前往小屋的路線如下。不用說，我可打不開前門。

* * *

許多人邀請我去參加你們的即興喜劇表演、詩歌朗誦會，還有周三的D.J.之夜，真的很感謝你們。但拜託搞搞清楚，我正被無限期地困在遠在佛蒙特的小屋裡，沒法參加啊！哦，還有，儘管好像你們沒人注意到這個事實，但我現在的確是一隻狗。

* * *

貌似已經有大概14個人和我解除好友關係了。很抱歉給你們所有人帶來不便。我向你們提出了一些合乎分寸的請求，希望你們能就我瞬間變身為另一物種一事提供幫助。或許我本該全用大寫字母才能提醒大家，在我莫名其妙地變成一隻該死的英國可卡獵犬後，我寧願死在我這遠在佛蒙特的小屋裡。

* * *

很抱歉發了上次那條消息。我發現我比以前——在我還是人的時候——更難控制自己的脾氣了。(提醒一下那些忘了這事兒的人：我已經變成了一隻狗，並且被困在了我那遠在佛蒙特的小屋裡。)吃的已經沒有了，我不得不到地下室逮耗子吃。這兒沒那麼糟，真的。我每天會利用自己那清醒的四個小時，讀一讀我能翻動的、字比較大的書，再上上網(盡量多看書，少上網！)還經常抱著傢具蹭。我已經準備好下半輩子就這麼過了。歡迎來這裡做客，要是有人願意來。我們可以去閑逛，玩玩扔球遊戲。我不會抱著你亂蹭，或是逼你帶我去找科學家幫忙，把我變回人或別的什麼東西。

* * *

有一篇文章挺有意思，講的是近幾十年來美國收入不均的問題。順帶提一句，這跟我沒什麼關係，我現在是一隻狗。我就是覺得你們都應該讀讀這篇文章。

* * *

小時和天的概念相互混淆，時間以人類生活的七倍，也可能是七分之一的速度流逝——我再也弄不清了。我夢見自己飛奔過氣味濃烈的田野，夢見追自己的尾巴，夢見在有人給我撓肚子時四仰八叉地躺在火爐旁，夢見抱著傢具蹭。

* * *

我又來啦。

大家好久都沒聽到我的消息了吧，因為我在忙一個創作性的項目：寫劇本。講的是我突然從人變成——你猜對啦——一隻狗的故事。我在腦海里勾勒情節只用了一個禮拜，可用爪子把劇本敲出來卻花了五個月。我實在是太興奮了，我要高興地宣布，我已經通過電子郵件「釣」到一位電影經紀人。他把我的劇本《意外的尾巴》當做動畫片賣給了迪士尼。馬特·達蒙對給加里這個角色配音很感興趣。這是一隻友好的，被困在偏遠小木屋裡的普通狗狗。它懇請朋友幫自己擺脫變形的困境，可它那所謂的人類朋友們都無情地忽視了上述懇求。我現在正焦頭爛額地改劇本呢，這樣才能趕上交稿的最後期限。我正在註銷我的Facebook賬號。如果你們要找我，可以發郵件，或是寄老式平信給我，地址是我被困的地方——似乎是無限期被困的地方——作為一個被困在該死的狗身體里的人。

另：我剛發現我的Spotify播放列表會顯示在新聞推送里。現在可好，你們都知道我在寫作時會連續播放水果姐的歌了。太糗了！

英

文

原

文

Hi, everyone on Facebook,

I need your help: I have been transformed into a dog. I don』t know how it happened, but soon after I entered my remoteVermont1)cabin, something felt weird, and my nose suddenly seemed a lot longer and wetter, and then I caught my reflection in the oven door, and, well, I』ve turned into a dog, though I』ve retained my human brain. This is not a joke. I managed to take what I guess would still be defined as aselfie2)—this photo of a dog is, in fact, me—and I』m using my paws to type, though it』scumbersome3)and slow (so far, this message has taken methe better part of4)five hours). Fortunately, I am able to flush the toilet toreplenish5)my water supply and have access to the groceries I hadn』tput away6)before I turned into a dog. Address and directions are below.

* * *

Hello again.

Thank you to everyone for 「liking」 my last post, but given that all of the comments were along the lines of 「Cute puppy!」 and 「Where』d you get your new little pal?」 I assume none of you read it, but merely looked at the photo and assumed I purchased a dog. So, to be clear: I have turned into a dog and need someone to rescue me from my remote Vermont cabin.

* * *

O.K., I totally understand your reactions—ha ha, Gary, what a joker, pretending to havemetamorphosed7)into a dog and using Facebook to alert everyone. But this is serious. I』m actually a dog right now, and have been for the past seventy-two hours. My eyesight is really poor, so it』s hard to make myself out in the oven door, but for anyone who』s interested, I think I』m anEnglish cocker spaniel8). No one seems to believe me, let alone be offering help, and I』m getting worried that I』ll eventually starve to death here, still trapped in my newcanine9)body. Again, directions are below to the cabin where,it goes without saying10), I』m incapable of opening the front door.

* * *

While I certainly appreciate receiving event invitations from many of you to your improv-comedy shows and poetry readings and Wednesday-night d.j. events, please note that I』m staying in my remote cabin in Vermont indefinitely and am unable to attend. Oh, and also, I』m now a dog, a fact none of you seems to bepicking up on11).

* * *

It looks like about fourteen people have defriended me. I』m so sorry to inconvenience you all with a fewtactful12)requests for assistance relating to my instantaneouscorporeal13)conversion to another species. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE USED ALL CAPITAL LETTERS TO POINT OUT THAT I EXPECT TO DIE IN MY REMOTE VERMONT CABIN AFTER INEXPLICABLY TURNING INTO A FUCKING ENGLISH COCKER SPANIEL.

* * *

I』m sorry about that last message. I』m finding it harder to control my temper than it used to be, back when I was a human. (Reminder for those who forgot: I』ve turned into a dog and am imprisoned within my remote Vermont cabin.) My food supply has run out, and I』ve been forced to hunt down and eat the mice in the basement. It』s not so bad here, really. I spend my four waking hours a day reading the larger-font books that I』m able to turn the pages of and surfing the Web (trying to do more of the former, less of the latter!). Also, a lot of humping furniture. I』m getting used to the idea of living out the rest of my life like this. If anyone wants to visit, he』s welcome to—we can just hang out and play fetch, and I won』t hump you or force you to bring me to scientists to help to turn me back into a human or anything.

* * *

Really interesting article on income inequality in the U.S. over the decades. This has nothing to do with me now being a dog, by the way; I just thought you should all read it.

* * *

The hours and days blur together, at seven times the speed of human life, or perhaps one-seventh—I don』t know anymore. I dream of running through fields thick with scents, of chasing my own tail, of sprawling by a fireplace as someone scratches my belly, of humping furniture.

* * *

Hello again.

It』s been a while since you』ve all heard from me because I』ve been busy with a creative project: a screenplay about my sudden transformation from a person into—you guessed it—a dog. Mentally outlining it took only a week, but typing it up with my paws consumed five months. I』mover-the-moon14)thrilled to announce that I landed a film agent, via e-mail, who has sold my script, 「An Unexpected Tail,」 to Disney, as an animated feature.Matt Damon15)is attached to voice the role of Gary, the affable, remote-cabin-confined Everydog whose pleas for help about his metamorphosis gocallously16) unheeded17)by his supposed human friends. I』m currently stuck in rewrite hell, and so that I can meet deadlines for deliverables. I』m deactivating my Facebook account. If you want to reach me, you can do so by e-mail, or by sending old-fashionedsnailmail18)to the address where I remain captive—permanently, it seems—as a human trapped inside the body of a goddam dog.

P.S. Just realized that my Spotify playlists have been appearing in my newsfeed. Now you all know that I listen toKaty Perry19)non-stop while writing. So embarrassed!

注釋

1. Vermont：佛蒙特州，位於美國東北部。

2. selfie [?selfi] n. 自拍照(尤指那些自拍後上傳到社交網站的照片)

3. cumbersome [?k?mb?(r)s(?)m] adj. 笨重的；難處理的

4. the better part of：大多數；大半個

5. replenish [r??plen??] vt.把……裝滿；把……再備足，補充

6. put away：(大量)吃喝

7. metamorphose [?met??m??(r)f??z] vi. 變化；變形

8. English cocker spaniel：英國可卡獵犬

9. canine [?ke?na?n] adj. 犬的

10. it goes without saying：不言而喻；不消說

11. pick up on：注意到

12. tactful [?t?k(t)f(?)l] adj. 有分寸的；考慮周全的

13. corporeal [k??(r)?p??ri?l] adj. 身體的

14. over-the-moon：興高采烈地；欣喜若狂地

15. Matt Damon：馬特?達蒙(1970~)，美國著名演員、編劇、製片，代表作為《心靈捕手》(Good Will Hunting)。

16. callously [?k?l?sl?] adv. 冷酷無情地；麻木不仁地

17. unheeded [?n?hi?d?d] adj. 沒有受到注意的；被忽視的

18. snail mail：蝸牛郵件(電郵使用者用以比喻普通郵件)

19. Katy Perry：凱蒂·佩里(1984~)，美國流行女歌手、演員兼詞曲創作者，人稱「水果姐」。

By Teddy Wayne，譯 / 李美佳。本文選自《新東方英語》2014年7月號。

喜歡這篇文章嗎？立刻分享出去讓更多人知道吧！