庫爾特·馮尼古特：如何找到真愛賺到錢

最新 02-12

馮尼古特這個人道主義者時常會在畢業典禮上說起這段話：「我的叔叔阿歷克斯現在已經在天堂了。他發現人性比較討厭的地方是快樂的時候不自知。他自己是努力地去發掘最甜蜜的時刻的。比如我們夏天在蘋果樹蔭下喝檸檬汁的時候，阿歷克斯叔叔就會突然說一句：『如果這都不算好，什麼算？』」

如何找到真愛賺到錢？（中英互譯）

文庫爾特·馮尼古特

本文節選自《如果這都不算好》

好像這些啟示還不夠似的，馮尼古特還解釋了我們為什麼聽到笑話會笑，我們為什麼孤獨，還有為什麼一年其實有六個季節而不是四個。

你們的畢業代表剛才說，她聽到別人說「好在我不是當今的年輕人就很煩很反感。對此我只能說，「好在我不是當今的年輕人。」

你們校長希望能在他跟你們告別前把所有不好的東西都清除掉，所以他要我做如下宣告:「所有還欠著停車費的同學請在離校前償清債務，否則他的成績單就會被寫得一塌糊塗。」

小時候在我們印第安納波利斯有一位叫金 · 哈伯德的段子手。他每天都為《印第安納波利斯新聞》寫點笑話。在印第安納波利斯這樣的段子手永遠都不嫌少。他的段子往往可以和奧斯卡 · 王爾德(Oscar Wilde)媲美。比如他說，禁酒總比沒酒好。還有無論是誰給淡啤酒取的名，這人眼光真的是有問題。

我估計這四年來你們已經把重要的本事都學到了，所以我也沒什麼能教你們的。這對我來說是太方便了。我差不多隻要跟你們說這麼一句就行了:這就結束了——是你們童年的徹底結束。「不好意思了」，就像他們在越戰時對老兵們說的一樣。

你們也許讀過阿瑟 · 克拉克(Arthur C. Clarke)《童年的完結》。這是科幻領域的傑作之一。其他的全是我寫的。在克拉克的小說里，主人公經歷了奇異的進化歷程。孩子變得跟父母完全不一樣，不那麼物質，更加靈性——最後有一天，他們變成了一束光柱，盤旋著進入了太空，不知道幹什麼去了。故事就這麼完了。不過，你們大家貌似跟父母沒什麼差別，所以估計也不會一拿到文憑就發射到太空去了。你們更有可能去的是布法羅市，羅切斯特市或者紐約的東果戈——或者科霍斯。

我猜大家肯定都想賺到錢，找到真愛。我來告訴你們怎麼賺錢:努力工作。我也可以告訴你們怎麼贏得真愛:穿上得體的衣服，保持微笑。還要記下最新歌曲的歌詞。

我還有什麼其他建議?多吃麥麩多長肉。我爸給我的唯一忠告就是:「絕對不要把任何東西粘到耳朵里去。」我們身體里最小的骨頭就在耳朵里——還有我們的平衡感也得靠耳朵，知道嗎?你要是亂搞自己的耳朵，那你不僅會聾掉，還會不停地摔跤。所以千萬別亂動耳朵。只要你不亂動它們就沒事。

不要殺人——雖然紐約州沒有死刑了。

我的建議就這些。

還有一件你可以自己看著辦，就是要明白一年是有六個季節而不是四個。那些有關四季的詩歌都搞錯了我們這個星球的季節，這也就是為什麼我們大部分時間都在鬱悶的原因。我的意思是說春天大部分時候其實都不是春天，而十一月也不是秋天什麼的。其實季節是這麼回事:春天是五月和六月!還有比五月六月更春天的時候嗎?夏天是七月和八月。很熱，對吧?秋天是九月和十月。見過那時候的南瓜吧?聞聞那時的枯葉就知道了。接下來是一個叫「閉鎖」的季節。因為這時候大自然把一切都鎖起來了。十一月和十二月不是冬天。它們就是閉鎖時節。之後才是冬天，一月和二月。老天!那叫一個冷啊!再過來是什麼?不是春天。是開鎖季節。四月份還能是什麼呢?

還有一個自己看著辦的建議:要是你哪天要去演講的話，開頭一定要講個笑話。我多年來一直致力於尋找全世界最好的笑話。我覺得我找到了，待會兒給你們講。不過你們得配合一下。等我把手舉成這樣的時候，你們得說，「不知道。」好吧? 不要騙我。

你知道奶油為什麼比牛奶貴多了嗎?

聽眾:不知道。

因為奶牛討厭蹲在那些小瓶子上。

這是我知道的最好的笑話。我在斯克內克塔迪的通用電氣工作的時候，就是專門給公司領導寫講稿的。有一次我把那個奶牛和小瓶子的笑話放到了一個副總裁的講稿里。他一路念下去，然後念到了那個他從來沒聽過的笑話，然後他就笑得停不下來了。最後他都笑出鼻血了，不得不被請下了主席台。第二天我就被公司給開了。

笑話是幹什麼用的?一個好笑話總是會讓你深思。我們人是一種很嚴肅的動物。當我問你奶油的問題時，你就完全沒有辦法了。你真的會去努力尋找合理答案。小雞為什麼要過馬路?消防員為什麼要穿紅色吊帶褲?喬治 · 華盛頓為什麼被埋在山坡上?

笑話的第二部分就是要宣布沒人稀罕你的思考。沒人要聽你的完美答案。最終你如釋重負，沒人要你一定聰明。你只需要笑得開心就行。

其實，我這篇講話就是精心設計的，就是要讓你想怎麼笨就怎麼笨，不用緊張，沒有任何懲罰。我甚至為此寫了一首可笑的歌。沒什麼樂感，但我們個個都是貨真價實的作曲家。人人都學得會。我的歌詞是這樣的:

老師和肺炎再見啦。

要是我知道晚會在哪兒，

我會電話告訴你。

我這麼愛你，索尼婭。

我要給你買支海棠花

你也愛我的，不是嗎，索尼婭?

瞧——你們也在猜下一個韻腳是什麼啦。沒人在意你是有多聰明。

我現在也是傻得不行了。因為我竟然在可憐你們。我可憐你們所有人。只要你們一走出去，生活會很艱難的。當天下大亂的時候，我們能抓住的最有用的思想就是，我們不是差別巨大的兩代人，就像某些人以為的跟因紐特人與澳大利亞土著一樣截然不同。我們在時間上其實非常親近，簡直就是兄弟姐妹。我有好幾個孩子——準確點說是七個——對一個無神論者來說確實有點太多了。不論什麼時候我的孩子跟我抱怨這個星球，我總是說:「閉嘴!我自己也才剛來。你以為我是誰—— 瑪士撒拉嗎?你以為我喜歡每天這些亂七八糟的消息嗎?大錯特錯。」

我們都在經歷同樣的一生，區別不大。

那年紀稍微大一點的人希望從年紀稍微輕一點的人那裡得到什麼呢?他們活得久一點，而且常常自以為活得很艱難，所以就想得到尊重。可是年紀輕一點的人卻在給予尊重方面小氣得不行。

那年紀稍微輕一點的人希望從年紀稍微大一點的人那裡得到什麼呢?我覺得，他們最想要的無非就是認可，而且無須贅言，他們也都毫無疑問的是男人女人了。可是年紀稍微大一點的人在認可方面就小氣得不行了。

所以，我在此向即將畢業的男人和女人鄭重宣布，誰也不許再把他們當小孩看了。他們也不許再像小孩子一樣耍賴——再也不許了。

這就是我所知道的成人儀式。

……（未完待續）

英文對照版

As if that information weren』t enough. Vonnegut explains why we laugh at jokes, why we are lonely, and why there are really six seasons in the year instead of only four.

Your class spokesperson has just said that she is sick and tired of hearing people say, 「I』m glad I』m not a young person these days.」 All I can say is, 「I』m glad I』m not a young person these days.」

Your college』s president wished to exclu-de all negative thinking from his farewell to you, and so has asked me to make this announcement: 「All persons who still owe parking fees are to pay up before leaving the property, or there will be monkey bus- iness with their transcripts.」

When I was a boy in Indianapolis, there was a humorist there named Kin Hubbard. He wrote a few lines for The Indianapolis News every day. Indianapolis needs all the humorists it can get. He was often as witty as Oscar Wilde. He said, for instance, that prohibition was better than no liquor at all. He said that whoever named near-beer was a poor judge of distance.

I assume that the really important stuff has been spread out over your four years here and that you have no need of anythi-

ng much from me. This is lucky for me. I have only this to say, basically: this is about that,」 as they u sed to say in the Vietnam War.

Perhaps you have read the novel Childhood』s End by Arthur C. Clarke, one of the few masterpieces written by me. In Clarke』s novel, the characters undergo spectacular evolutionary change. The children become very different from the parents, less into a sort of column of light which spirals out into the universe, its mission unknown. The book ends there. You seniors, however, look a great deal like your parents, and I doubt that you will go radiantly into space as soon as you have your diplomas in hand. It is far more likely that you will go to Buffalo or Rochester or East Quogue-or Cohoes.

And I suppose you will all want money and true love, among other things. I will tell you how to make money: work very hard. I will tell you how to win love: wear nice clothing and smile all the time. Learn the words to all the latest songs.

What other advice can I give you? Eat lots of bran to provide necessary bulk in your diet. The only advice my father ever gave me was this: 「Never stick anything in your ear.」 The tiniest bones in your body balance, too. If you mess around with your ears, you could not only become deaf, but you could also start falling down all the time. So just leave your ears completely alone. They』re fine, just the way they are.

Don』t murder anybody-even though New York State does not use the death penalty.

That』s about it.

One sort of optional thing you might do is to realize there are six seasons instead of four. The poetry of four seasons is all wrong for this part of the planet, and this may explain why we are so depressed so much of the time. I mean, Spring doesn』t feel like Spring a lot of the time, and November is all wrong Spring is May and June! What could be springier than May and June? Summer is July and August. Really hot, right? Autumn is September and October. See the pumpkins? Smell those burning leaves. Next comes the season called 「Locking.」 That is when Nature shuts everything down. November and December aren』t Winter. They』re Locking. Next ever cold! What comes next? Not Spring. Unlocking comes next. What else could April be?

One more optional piece of advice: if you ever have years I have been looking for the best joke in the world. I think I know what it is. I will tell it to you, but you have to help me. You have to say, 「No,」 when I hold up my hand like this. All right? Don』t let me down.

Do you know why cream is so much more expensive than milk?

AUDIENCE: No.

It is because the cows hate to squat on those little bottles.

That is the best joke I know. One time when I worked for the General Electric Company over in Schenectady, I had to write speeches for company bottles in a speech for a vice president. He was reading along, and he had never heard the joke before. He couldn』t stop laughing, and he had to be led away from the podium with a nosebleed. I was fired the next day.

How do jokes work? The beginning of each good one challenges you to think. We are such earnest animals. When I asked you about cream, you could not help yourselves. You really tried to think of a sensible answer. Why does a chicken cross the road? Why bury George Washington on the side of a hill?

The second part of the joke announces that nobody wants you to think, nobody wants to hear your wonderful answer. You are so relieved to at last meet somebody who doesn』t demand that you be intelligent. You laugh for joy.

I have in fact designed this entire speech so as to allow you to be as stupid as you like, without strain, and without penalties of any kind. I have even written a ridiculous song for the occasion. It lacks music, but we are up to our necks in composers. One is sure to come along. The words go like this:

Adios to teachers and pneumonia.

If I find out where the party is,

I』ll telephone ya.

I love you so much, Sonya,

That I am going to buy you a begonia.

You love me, too, doan ya, Sonya?

See-you were trying to guess what the next rhyme was going to be. Nobody cares how smart you are.

I am being so silly because I pity you so much. I pity all of us so much. Life is going to be very tough again, just as soon as this is over. And the most useful thought we can hold when all hell cuts loose again is that we are not members of different generations, as unlike, as some people would have us believe, as Eskimos and Australian Aborigines. We are all so close to each other in time that we should think of ourselves as brothers and sisters. many children for an atheist, certainly. Whenever my children complain about the planet to me, I say, 「Shut up! I just got here myself. Who do you think day any better than you do? You』re wrong.」

We are all experiencing more or less the same lifetime now.

What is it the slightly older people want from the slightly younger people? They want credit for having survived so long, and often imaginatively, under difficult conditions .Slightly younger people are intolerably stingy about giving them credit for that.

What is it the slightly younger people want from the slightly older people? More than anything, I think, they want acknowledgement, and without further ado, that they are without question women and men now. Slightly older people are intolerably stingy about making any such acknowledgement.

Therefore, I take it upon myself to pronounce those about to graduate women and men. No one must ever treat them like children again. Neither must they ever act like children –ever again.

This is what is known as a puberty ceremony.