5分到6分，一點就通-關注員工穿著 還是關注工作質量
寫作題目
Some people concern that employer should not concern about their employees』 dress, while the working quality is the most important thing. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 2018.01.13
學生REX習作
Some employer thinks the way employees dress is the first thing to do for business. The employees dressis just showthe business appearance ornot the volume.Even though a good-looking can give customer a deep impression or a good feeling, the volume will be increased or grow up.But it doesn』t mean that the first and the best thing for business is the appearance. The employees dress cannot show the entire information about business. In other words, the quality is moreimportant than the staff dress.
It is obvious that the quality at work is the first consideration for business relation because only money is useful for company to keep working. Without earn money business cannotkeep opening around the world or city. Even if the employees put on beautiful clothes of working, the bad work qualityis cannothelp business even it will give a worst situationto company working or broken.
The second reason about theimportanton working is that the cooperation with other business. Other business will see the volume on this business not the out-looking. The other joiner willforceson the quality of work at first. Then appearance is the second reference. Withthis impaction, the company will be develop or update on everything.
Overall,it is not a serious answerto the employees』 dress, if employees can get a high quality of work with a good-looking dress which willgive the same business a idiot to learned,the volume become better and better.
寫作點評
評分：5
總體評價：
1 能用英語寫 簡單的意思。一遇到稍複雜的 思維，句子就繞、亂、錯。
2 對雅思寫作要求有一定了解。
3 主要問題在於，句子上，沒基於句法結構來寫。句子錯誤多。影響理解。嚴重影響得分。
4 思維太過於中式。翻譯成中文，意思好像沒問題。但其實，在英語里，思維不通順，邏輯無道理，層次都模糊了。
5 具體觀點的論述，不具體，沒有『言之有物』。
總體建議：
1 繼續真題解析和範文研讀。
2 分清主謂賓！把句子結構分清楚。句子寫正確！這是提分第一步。
3 建議論述觀點時，舉例子，做比較等。使得作文有內容。
4 簡化思維，用三年級小朋友的思維，來思考，然後寫句子。
具體修改/具體建議：辭彙錯誤 用綠色標註；句子錯誤 用紅色標註；精彩的亮點 用藍色標註。
改到6分
At present, many huge companies, like Sony and Toyota, spend more time on improving the quality of their goods and productions rather than focusing on the employees" dress, as only the volume of selling can show the strength of business andthe employees" dress just an appearance to customers. In my opinion,even thoughagood-lookingcan give customer a deep impression or a good feeling, it doesn』t mean that the first and the best thing for businessis the appearance.
It is obvious that the quality at work is the only way to earn money for business working. In other words, the quality at work can bringmoreprofitson business. Even if the employees put on beautiful clothes on working, the bad work quality is still themainlyproblem for business if the compaby is seeking for a long-term development. More seriously, it may even bring out negetive effects if the company ignore the importance of work quality but concentrate on the appearence.
For anotherreason, a good quality at working can make the businessbecomemore competitive when compared with other counterparts. For instant, a type writer just need to type a lot of words in a short time to complete a project which shows enough skills to her employer. However, if she wastes loads of time on appreciating beautiful clothes for working, she might be fired from the company.
Overall, i agree the employer should concern about the quality at work. But if employees can get a high quality of working with a good-looking dress,the volume of selling will be better and better and they can give a idiot to other company which good work can be leaned.
解析：
REX 基於程子的建議，對作文自行做了修改。修改後，仍有部分錯誤。值得肯定的是，每一次，都在 句法、用詞、觀點、思維上 有很明顯的進步。
在REX改後，程子再進行了適量的修飾（也保留了部分錯誤），達到6分。
點撥
這一個過程中，REX和其他小夥伴，都可以體會一下，5分到6分的寫作，有什麼不同。
1 句子都寫正確了-- 每一個句子，主謂賓成分，各在哪裡？
2 用詞正確了-- 詞性、單複數、三單、固定搭配，都注意到了沒有？
3 觀點清晰、明了-- 一句話能不能概括出觀點？
4 層次合理了-- 每個段圍繞著什麼講？
5 開頭結尾寫清楚了-- 有討論，有總結？
小結：
這篇寫作，雖然達到了6分，可是，還有哪些需要修改？
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