給自己講自己的故事 Stories of Myself，to Myself
給自己講自己的故事
（2018元旦）
我也有自己的故事。
不過這是我在秋冬雨夜
把過去的自己講給現在的自己聽聽而已。
有時為了感動自己，
我也會加點油鹽糖醋。
1987年夏天，我留英回國，
常常躲進金雞湖畔的蘆葦叢
泛讀英國文學的原版名作。
希望從《天路歷程》讀到《蠅王》，
再從莎翁讀到當代桂冠詩人。
曾經的牛仔如今在野外欣賞英文原版，
咋看確實有那麼點兒浪漫。
但是，我並非在貪享野鶴閑雲的清福，
而是在惡補自己專業知識的不足。
大概一年時間吧，
我的左眼受傷，右眼失明。
醫生診斷這眼病難治，且容易複發再生。
天哪！
我還年輕吶，
我盼望當英國文學教授名師！
這下，美夢只能成為泡影！
我拜訪專家名醫，
我從醫院到醫院奔波不息，
我嘗遍中西藥劑，
我討教氣功針灸，
我，我求菩薩保佑。
我白天昏昏沉沉，
我深夜咽咽哽哽。
無奈之極我頓悟到：
「我虧待了自己！」
我在眼睛看不見的日子裡，
看清了自己淺薄的背景，
看明了人生真諦的基因，
看到了隨遇而安的清靜。
我騎車去常熟旅遊，
在虞山上發現了翁同龢的墳塋，
我虔誠地在帝師墓前打坐，
默默守孝這位前賢精英。
問：「您老也有過人生不順？」
他永恆的沉默給了我震耳的回應。
我又騎車去40里開外的太湖鄉，
靜靜地坐在湖岸旁，
默默地閉上雙眼帘，
把自己意念成一朵小白雲，
隨風飄逸在浩渺無垠的天水間；
再把自己解構成一縷無形魂，
踏著浪花拍湖岸，
游弋在魚躍，蛙跳，鳥鳴，蟲吟的蘆葦灘,
任大地母親撫摸我那可憐眼睛的淤傷痕。
1989年仲夏的一個早晨，
我單騎出發登上了環太湖的路程。
自行車的兩個輪子圍著各自的軸心旋轉，
合力馱著光裸著上身的我，
朝著沒有目的地的方向飛滾。
周圍世界以我為中心不停轉動，
我感到此時此地的自己成了獨騎英雄。
看到有人在我前面同向騎行，我奮力加速超越，
暗暗爭當不正當競爭中的冠軍。
我每每下車搬開路中擋道的石塊，
就感到自己做了回超度自己的法事，
在自己功德簿上添加一點善報的因子。
半年以後的一個晚上，
我感到那個滿月特別亮。
我突然意識到點什麼，
趕緊用手捂住左眼，
右眼果真重新見到了久違的世界！
我第一次感到如此亮麗的人生！
重生的我扶著帶傷疤的自己，
小心翼翼地回歸大千紅塵！
Stories of Myself, to Myself
(2018 New Year』s Day)
I also have my own stories
Of myself only to be told
To myself in evenings wet and cold.
In order to impress myself,
I often tell them in different tones.
In 1987, from England I returned home.
I often hid myself in reed bushes by Jin Ji Lake,
Reading English classics in original.
I hoped to read fromThe Pilgrim』s ProgresstoLord of the Flies,
And from Shakespeare to the present day poet laureate.
Once a herd boy, here I read English books in the wilds,
Which might sound a bit romantic.
But, instead of enjoying reading leisure,
I was caught up under the reading pressure.
About one year later,
My left eye was hurt, my right eye lost its sight.
The doctor decided it to be chronic and easy to come back.
Dear me!
I was still young and
I wished to be a professor of English literature!
Without sufficient reading, my wish would come true never!
I visited doctors one after another.
I called at hospitals from city to city.
I tried different medicine both Chinese and western.
I learned breathing exercise and needle treatment.
I, I kowtowed to Buddha for help.
In day time I was dizzy and drowsy;
At night I was broad awake.
Desperate, I awakened to the fact:
I ruined myself!
In the days when I was half blind,
I saw my bleak background;
I had a glimpse of a real life;
I caught sight of the calm after a storm.
I cycled to Chang Shu City for a relaxing tour.
On Yu Mountain I came upon Weng Tonghe』s Tomb,
In front of which I sat and meditated
To show my respect to the Emperors』s mentor.
I meant to ask,「Your Highness, you had some troubles, too?」
The answer unvoiced was strongly felt.
I cycled to Tai Lake, more than 20 miles away.
I sat alone by the waterside
With my heavy eyes shut tight,
To visualize myself a patch of white cloud
Riding the wind between the water and the sky;
To thin myself down to a wisp of soul only
That trod waves lapping the shore here and there,
And wafted in reed bushes with fish leaping, frogs croaking, and insects chirping
To let Nature fondle my poor eyes with tender care.
One morning in the summer of 1989
I alone started on a bicycle trip around Tai Lake.
The two wheels rolled round their own centers
Joining their forces to carry me half naked
Fast on the road bound for the point where I started.
Seeing the world turning around me,
I felt as if I were a hero ready to conquer the world.
Anyone cycling ahead of me
Would provoke me to speed up to overtake them
Just like a vainglorious winner in crooked games.
Every time I stepped down to remove a stumbling stone,
I would feel I had done something to redeem my sins,
So as to deserve a better chance to relieve my pains.
About six months later, one night,
I found the full moon unusually bright.
I suddenly realized something.
I covered my left eye with my right hand.
Sure enough, my right eye saw the world again!
For the first time I found my life so great!
Renewed, I ushered my scarred self back
Into the busy world through a wicket gate!
（攝影：徐青根）
TAG:烏托鄉之音 |