孩子慢熱，難融入集體，家長該怎麼引導？

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我女兒快六歲了，慢熱敏感型。放學後很願意留在操場上和小朋友玩兒，但又不知如何融入其中。當與一個小朋友單獨聯結時情況還好，當有三個或三個以上小朋友一起玩時，她就會慢慢把自己「玩丟」，從小朋友們中把自己撤離了出來，不知道如何與他們共處、如何與他們一起玩兒。

勞倫斯·科恩

美國臨床心理學家

兒童遊戲治療師

在能有效推動她以前，首先，你需要建立非常非常多的安全感。所以，開始的幾周甚至一兩個月，你要允許她退回來，跟著你，而不去催促她回到小朋友當中。在這段時間裡，你要讓她安心，不斷地讓她感覺到她很好，你很高興和她坐在一起，她可以在你身旁看小朋友玩，或者在你附近自己玩。你是在為她建立安全感，建立她對你的信任。這份安全感和信任是她下一步需要的。如果你因為她不玩就急著回家，那是無法讓她建立安全感和信任的。也不要威脅，比如說：「如果你不玩，我們就回家了。」她沒有和小朋友們一起玩並不意味著什麼都沒發生。她正在觀察和學習，為加入做準備。在準備好之前，她可能先要觀察很久，這沒問題。她也在觀察你是否支持她。支持她意味著不要推得太早或太猛，同時也意味著不要離開。你可以溫和地說出自己的觀察，比如：「哦，看起來只有一兩個孩子時很容易，但是孩子一多就感覺有點困難了，是這樣嗎？」很重要的一點是，不要有負面評判，只說觀察到的情景。「這就是我看到的。」

在第一階段建立安全感這段時間內，在輕推之前，你可以經常在家裡和她一起玩與朋友、群體有關的遊戲。你們可以先和一個玩偶玩，然後帶入第二個玩偶，再加入第三個、第四個。當遊戲中有很多玩偶時，你把它們演成活潑吵鬧的樣子，然後觀察女兒如何面對這樣的場景。

你的任務就是要幫助她笑對加入這幫吵鬧孩子的緊張感，而不是教她如何正確地融入。我剛才是要求你讓她面對一群孩子，但是你也要採取搞笑和傻氣的方式，讓她能夠笑得出來。在第一階段這幾周或者幾個月內，你還可以安排她與一個小朋友一起玩，這樣她可以在一個相對容易的環境下練習社交能力。只有在給予了她大量的接納、玩了大量充滿笑聲的遊戲之後，才可以輕推她，而且要非常非常得輕。接納和大笑建立安全感，就像是往銀行里存錢，而輕推就好比從銀行里取錢。所以，在你開始花錢之前一定要有足夠的存款。輕推可以這麼說：「你想回去一起玩么？」「不想。」「好的。」「你想和那個看起來最友好的孩子一起玩么？」「我們朝小朋友們走近一步吧。哦，這一步走得真好！現在我們可以休息了。你想再往前走一步呢，還是回椅子上坐著？」你要推得非常非常輕，但是對她充滿熱情，而且和她保持一致。

在首先建立安全感的幾個星期或幾個月後，一旦開始輕推，就要不停地繼續建立安全感。這就像你一邊花銀行里的錢，還要一邊往銀行里繼續存錢一樣，對吧？所以你還要繼續接納她，玩特別搞笑的遊戲。你也可以玩另外一個遊戲，用很搞笑的方式，設計一個環境，假裝你要加入一個群體。比如，你放一大堆毛絨動物玩具，然後說：「我們去看看那群小動物在幹什麼吧！我們跳到他們身上吧！」然後，你走過去，傻裡傻氣地跳到床上，把玩偶全都壓在身下。很顯然，在現實中，這不是加入到孩子們中的方式，你女兒也知道，但這會讓她哈哈大笑，笑聲會減少她對於加入真實群體所帶來的緊張感。

Beforeyou can push effectively, you need to first build lots and lots of safety andsecurity. So for the first few weeks, or even a month or two, you can spendtime letting her withdraw and be with you, without urging her to go back to thegroup. During this time you give her a lot of reassurance that she"s okay, thatyou"re very happy to sit with her, that she can watch the group from rightbeside you or she can play on her own near you. You are building up her senseof safety and security, and building up her trust in you. She will need thatsecurity and that trust for the next step, which is coming later. You can』tbuild this security and trust if you rush to go home because she isn』t playing.You don"t use threats, such as, "If you don"t play, we will go home."Just because she isn"t playing with the group doesn"t mean nothing ishappening. She is watching and learning, and getting ready to join in. It maytake a lot of observation first before she is ready. That』s okay. She is alsoseeing if you support her. Supporting her means not pushing too soon or toohard, but also means not leaving. You might gently point out what you notice,for example, "oh, it looks like it』s easy when there are one or twochildren, but it"s harder when there are more. Is that right?" It"simportant that there"s no negative judgment in this, just observation."This is what I saw." At home, during this first period when you arebuilding up safety and security, before it"s time to push, you might play a lotof games about friends, about being in a group. You might play games with onedoll, and then bring in a second doll, then a third doll, a fourth doll. As youbring more dolls into the game, you make them very active and loud, and you seewhat she does when she is confronted with this. And your job is to help her tolaugh about the tension of being part of a noisy group of children, not toteach her how to do it properly. Even though I said you are confronting herwith the situation of a group of kids, you"re doing it in a funny and silly wayso she can laugh about it. You also, during this first few weeks or months,would probably want to arrange for her to have playtime with just one otherchild, so that she can practice socializing in situations that is easier forher. Only after lots of acceptance of her, lots of play with laughter would betime for the push. And you want to keep the push very very gentle. Theacceptance and laughter build safety and security, which is like putting moneyin the bank. The push is like taking money out of the bank, so there has to belots of money in there before you start spending. So a gentle push might be tosay, "Would you like to go back and join in?" "no.""okay." "Would you like to pick the child who seems the nicestto play with." "Let"s take one step more together towards the group.Oh, that was a good step, now we can rest. Would you like to take another stepor go to the bench again?" So you keep your push very very gentle, butyou"re warm with them and you are also consistent with them. Once you startpushing, after a few weeks and months first of building up security, you wantto keep building up the security. As you spend the money in the bank, you haveto keep putting money back in the bank, right? So you want to keep doing theacceptance, and especially the really funny play. Another game that you canplay is, in a funny way, to set up a situation where are you going to join apretend group. For example there is a large group of stuffed animals, and yousay, 「let"s go to see what that group of stuffed animals is doing, let"s gojump on top of them.」 And you go over and you do something really silly andridiculous and jump on the bed on top of all the stuffed animals. Andobviously, that"s not the real way to join in with other children, and sheknows that, but it makes her laugh and the laughter reduces the tension shefeels about joining the real group.

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