對孩子生氣時，家長怎樣才能避免說教？

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如何在對孩子生氣時保持遊戲力的心態？潛意識裡知道此時通過遊戲與孩子聯結是最好的方式,但往往被自己的壞情緒牽絆，無法與孩子保持聯結，取而代之的則是無效的帶有情緒的說教、嘮叨。

勞倫斯·科恩

美國臨床心理學家

兒童遊戲治療師

當然了，生氣的時候想要保持遊戲的心態是非常困難的，我覺得沒人能做到。這就如同想要一步跨越一條寬闊的河流一樣，步子邁得太大了，不可能做到。你只能用力所能及的步幅，一小步一小步地踩著石頭過河。所以，在你恢復遊戲力之前，要先去處理自己生氣的情緒，而不是忽略它。當你生氣的時候，做什麼會對你有所幫助呢？如你所說，嘮叨和說教對你倆都沒有幫助。你或許可以這樣說：「對不起，請等一下，我現在有點煩了。我需要先處理一下自己的情緒，然後才能繼續和你玩。呃——，嗷嗷嗷，我跺腳，跺腳，跺腳！」你不要真地爆發，也不要表現得太生氣，以免嚇著孩子。但要讓情緒稍做宣洩，而不是隱藏起來。然後，你深呼吸一口，說：「啊，我感覺好一點了。你想和我一起做嗎？因為通常來說，兩個人當中，只要有一個人生氣了，另一個人也會開始生氣。」如果這麼做還不夠，你還是生氣，就這麼說：「你知道嗎，我還是覺得氣鼓鼓的，我還得多跺幾腳。」然後，你就繼續跺腳，跺腳，跺腳！請注意，在這個例子中，你誠實地面對了自己的情緒，但是又調小了情緒的爆發強度，這樣就不會把孩子嚇到。

大多時候，我們會認為，面對生氣我們要麼選擇大吼大叫，要麼就得選擇隱忍。但其實這兩者都不好，我們可以新增一個選擇，即：表達出自己的情緒，但是要降低一點強度。我們可以這麼說：「哦，我有一點生氣。」我曾經治療過的一個男孩，他在農場里生活，他會說：「我比一隻濕了毛的母雞還要炸毛！」當他真得很生氣時，會說：「我比一隻在草垛里的濕毛母雞還要炸毛！」因此，當我生氣的時候，有時也會這麼說：「哦，我比一隻濕了毛的母雞還要炸毛！」我真實地表達了怒氣，但表達方式又是幽默的。

如果對你來說，用這種輕鬆的方式表達怒氣有點不太可能，你也可以說些別的。你可以說：「我需要休息一下，冷靜一會兒，讓自己別那麼生氣。」然後，你就確切地告訴孩子你會做什麼。比如，在離開之前，你說：「我要去給傾聽夥伴打個電話。」或者「我要用涼水洗洗臉。」或者「我要到另一個房間去上躥下跳，大喊大叫一會兒。」或者「我要去對著鏡子說說話，告訴自己冷靜下來。」然後你就去做，但同時也要告訴孩子你什麼時候回來。比如：「我要去給朋友打個電話，幫助我冷靜下來，十分鐘後我會回來。」或者一個小時，你覺得需要多長時間就說多長時間。

還有另外一種選擇，你可以說：「我們需要重新聯結。我們一起到沙發上坐坐，看看怎麼能重新聯結吧！」有時候，光是走到沙發那，你就已經冷靜下來了。然後，你們可以說說話，互相抱抱，就重新聯結上了，你的憤怒也會隨之冷靜下來。不過有時候，你也需要直說：「我覺得很沮喪，我讓你去清洗玩具，可是你都不理我。我是想和你再多玩一會兒，不過現在我還沒有準備好。」你不必要求孩子道歉，但是如果他道歉了，你接受就好。但是，如果你還是生氣，也別假裝不生氣。你需要誠實一點，說：「你知道嗎，對這事我還是覺得有點生氣，我需要休息一會兒，然後再回來。」當你把注意力集中在重新聯結上，而不是爭個對錯，或者憤憤不平時，也許你會發現你也有需要道歉的地方。

Of course, it"s very difficult to keep a playful heartwhen you"re angry. I really don"t think anyone can do that. It"s a too bigstep. It will be like trying to cross a wide river in one big step. You can"tdo that. You need stepping stones to help you cross in smaller steps that youcan manage. So before you can be playful, you must do something about your ownanger instead of trying to ignore the anger. What do you do to help yourselfwhen you"re angry? As you said, nagging and preaching doesn』t help neither oneof you. You might say, "Excuse me for a moment, but I"m starting to feel alittle bit annoyed. And I need to take care of that before I can play with youmore. Errr...oh...stomp, stomp, stomp..." You don』t explode or act soangry that your child is scared, but you let a little bit out, not hiding it.Then you take a deep breath, "Ah, I feel a little bit better. Would youlike to try doing that together because usually when one of us is angry, we areboth becoming angry." Now that might not be enough, maybe you still areangry, and you say, "You know what, I"m still a bit angry. I think I needto stomp some more." And you stomp your feet, stomp, stomp, stomp. And younotice in this example that you"ve been honest about your feelings, but youlower the volume on it quite a bit, so that you didn"t frighten your child.

Most of the time, we believe that our only choices areeither to scream and yell, or hide our feeling. But those are not good choices,so instead we add a new choice, which is to express the feeling, but in alighter way. So we can say, "oh, I am a little bit of angry. " I hada boy, I learnt from a boy I worked with, who lived on a farm. He would say,"I"m madder than a wet hen. " And he is really mad, he says, "I"mmadder than a wet hen in a haystack. " And so I sometimes say those whenI"m feeling angry. I say, "Oh, I"m madder than a wet hen." I am trulyexpressing my anger, but it is also humorous.

And if it"s not possible for you to have this lightapproach when you are angry, you may need to say something different. You mightneed to say, "I"m going to take a break and cool off my anger." Andyou tell your child exactly what you"re going to do. So before you leave, yousay, "I"m going to call my listening partner. " or "I"m going tosplash cold water on my face. " or "I"m going to jump up and down inthe other room and scream a little bit. " or "I"m going to talk tomyself in the mirror and tell myself to calm down. " And then you go dothat, and you also say when you will be back. So, "I"m going to make aphone call, call a friend to help me calm down. And I will be back in 10minutes. " or an hour, or however long you think it will take.

Another option is to say, "We need to reconnect withone another. Let"s go to sit on the couch together until we figure out how weconnect." Sometimes, just walking over to the couch, it"s enough to calmyou down. And you can just talk a little bit, or hug each other, and youreconnect again, and your anger is calmed down. Sometimes though, you may needto say, "I"m really frustrated. I asked you to clean up your toys, and youignored me. I want to be able to have fun together again, but I"m not quiteready yet." You don"t demand an apology, but you accept the apology ifit"s offered. But also, if you are still angry, you don"t pretend you are notstill angry. You need to be honest, say, "You know what, I"m still alittle bit of angry about this. I"m gonna take a little break, and I will comeback later " You may also find that you have things to apologize for aswell, once you focus on reconnecting rather than on being right or beingindignant about the things that made you angry.

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