真正的佛繫戀愛
世人渴望乾柴烈火的愛情，佛卻說慾望會帶來痛苦。人能用情至深又不為情所擾嗎？
真正的佛繫戀愛
作者：JohnDunne
譯者：楊雪
校對：朱小釗
策劃：朱小釗 沈園園
Buddhists in Love
佛繫戀愛
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搜神記
A Time For Us
容祖兒
00:00/04:31
Humans are social animals. We live in groups. We care for our offspring for years. We cooperate with each other (the United States Congress notwithstanding). Most of all, we have lasting relationships with other individual humans – what biologists call long-term pair bonds.
人類是社會性動物。我們成群聚居、哺育後代、相互合作（除了美國國會）。最重要的是，我們會和他人形成持久的關係，即生物學家口中的建立長期配偶關係。
Some of these pair bonds, you』ve surely noticed, are healthier than others. That』s where the field of relationship science comes in. Relationship scientists study how to build and maintain strong, intimate relationships. We perform laboratory experiments to understand the factors that make a relationship flourish or wither.
你一定會注意到，有些配偶關係更加融洽，這也是兩性關係學的關注點所在。兩性關係學家研究如何建立和維繫穩固、親密的關係。與此同時，我們也進行了許多實驗來探索影響一段關係成敗的因素。
In recent years, some researchers in relationship science, including us, have turned to a surprising resource for inspiration: Buddhism. We say 『surprising』 because one of the centraltenetsof Buddhism is letting go of strong attachments, but a relationship is the very definition of a strong attachment. How can these opposing ideas be reconciled? And what does science have to say?
近年來，包括我們在內的許多兩性關係學者都開始從一個意想不到的地方尋求靈感——佛教。之所以說意想不到，是因為佛教的核心信條在於放棄執念，但兩性關係本身就是執念。這兩種截然不同的事物如何聯繫在一起呢？科學界又是如何看待的呢？
Tenet/?ten?t / n. one of the principles or beliefs that a theory or larger set of beliefs is based on 原則；信條；教義
Let"s begin with some basics about biology. In a healthy relationship, you feel good when your partner is around. No surprise there. But you might not know that the good feeling happens because you and your partner regulate each other"s nervous systems.
讓我們首先了解一些生物學的基礎知識。在一段健康的關係中，你會因為對方在身邊而感覺良好，這是毫無疑問的。但你可能並不知道，之所以會有這樣的感受，是因為你們之間能相互調節對方的神經系統。
The process starts with your brain. Contrary to popular belief, your brain"s most important job isn"t thinking. It"s maintaining all the biological systems in your body so your organs, hormones and immune system run efficiently and remain in balance. Your brain does this by predicting and fulfilling your bodily needs 24/7. If you need to stand up, for example, your brain predicts and executes a (hopefully) appropriate change in blood pressure so you don"t faint. If your brain predicts you"re going to be low on salt, you willcravesalty foods. And so on.
這一調節過程首先從大腦開始。雖然普遍認為大腦的首要功能是思考，但事實並非如此。大腦同時也負責維護身體中的生物系統，確保所有的器官、內分泌系統和免疫系統正常運轉、相互平衡。為此，大腦晝夜不止地預測並滿足身體的需求。比如，當你你想要站起來時，大腦會提前預測並調整你的血壓水平，使你不至暈倒（但願如此）。如果大腦預測到你體內缺少鹽分，那麼你就會很想吃鹹味的食物。類似的例子不勝枚舉。
crave/kre?v / v. to have a very strong desire for sth 渴望；熱望
This ongoing process is like running a budget for your body. Think about your financial budget, where you keep track of your income and spending to try to staysolvent. Your brain does the same thing, but instead of money, it budgets resources such as water, salt andglucose. If a financial budget goes into the red (say, when you take out a loan to buy a car), you have to pay back what you borrowed and, if all goes well, then over time your budget stays mostly in balance. The same is true for your body budget: you can run a race to exhaustion but then must replenish or『pay back』your resources by resting, eating and drinking. The scientific name for this balancing act isallostasis. The brain"s goal is to maintain a balanced body budget most of the time and to pay back any debts that arise. This process must be quick and efficient, because budget-balancing is itself a costly endeavour for the brain.
這個過程就像為身體做預算報表一樣。在財政預算中，我們會記錄收入和支出，以免入不敷出。大腦也是如此，只不過它管理的不是錢，而是水、鹽和葡萄糖等養分。如果財政上出現赤字（比如車貸），就必須要償還債務；如果一切順利，收支大抵能平衡。身體的預算也是如此：跑步力竭後必須要休息吃喝來補充或者說 「償還」消耗的能量，這種平衡在科學上叫做「應變穩態」。大腦的目標是在大多數時候維持身體預算的收支平衡，償還出現的債務。這個過程必須要迅速且高效，因為平衡預算本身對大腦來說就是一項極大的開支。
Solvent/?s?lv?nt /adj. having enough money to pay your debts; not in debt 有償付能力；無債務
Now here"s the cool part. Humans help to balance each other"s body budgets. When a baby is born, the adults in her life regulate her body budget by feeding her, cuddling her and talking to her. They teach her when to fall asleep at the right time. They play games with her and read to her. These activities provide the body-budgeting she needs for her brain to develop normally. This is the biological basis of attachment between a child and her caregivers. Eventually, the child becomes able to regulate her own nervous system and balance her own body budget, but the communal body-budgeting never completely stops.
最棒的是，在平衡身體預算這件事上，人們可以相互幫助。嬰兒出生後，身邊的成年人會通過餵養、擁抱和交談來管理她的身體預算。他們會教導她何時入睡，與她做遊戲、給她念故事，這些活動都有助於維持她的身體預算平衡，讓她健康成長。這就是嬰孩和其撫養者之間存在感情的生物基礎。最終，嬰孩能夠獨立管理自己的神經系統、平衡自己的身體預算，但這種雙方曾經共同對其身體預算進行管理的方式會延續終生。
Attachment between adults works similarly. Most of us can clothe and feed ourselves and know when to put on a sweater to regulate our temperature, but we must also deal with the demands of a job, lack of sleep and no time to exercise, eating too manypseudo-foods, maybe living or working in noisy or crowded conditions, and battling the idiots who block our way now and then. Managing a body budget in this world is a monumental task. So, we need other people around us to help keep our budget solvent and stay healthy.
成年人之間的感情也大抵如此。大多數人能夠冷暖饑飽自知，知道何時該穿毛衣來保暖；但與此同時，我們還要應付工作，睡眠不足、缺乏鍛煉、經常吃假性食品（高熱量、高脂肪類的食品）、居住或工作在吵鬧擁擠的環境中，還要大戰時不時擋路的傻逼。在這個世界裡，管理我們的身體預算著實是一項艱難的工作，所以我們需要身邊其他人來幫助我們維持收支平衡，保持身體健康。
What』s the cost of not having healthy attachments to other people? Scientists who study loneliness have provided a clear answer: a 30 per cent higher risk of death when those reporting isolation at the time of the initial interview were followed up seven years later. That』s higher than the risk of dying from a well-known disease such as obesity. A single, lonely brain spends so many resources trying to keep in balance that it starts running a long-term deficit. The brain then treats the body like it』s sick. If this process goes on for long enough, the immune system gets involved and the result could be earlier-onset diabetes, heart disease, depression, cancer or other illnesses related tometabolism.
那麼未能和他人形成健康的關係會造成何種後果呢？研究孤獨的科學家給出了一個明確的答案：那些在採訪初期就很孤獨的人，七年後死亡的幾率比其他人高出30%，這比肥胖症等著名疾病帶來的致死風險還要高。孤單而又孤獨的大腦為了保持收支平衡，耗費了大量能量，最終長期處於赤字狀態。大腦的狀態反映到身體上，我們就會感覺自己彷彿生病了一樣。如果這個狀態持續下去，免疫系統也會受到影響，我們可能會患上早期糖尿病、心臟病、抑鬱症、癌症或其他新陳代謝方面的疾病。
Healthy relationships help you to live longer. You and your partner unconsciously regulate each other』s nervous systems to your mutual benefit. Your heart rates synchronise. So does your breathing. Even your hormones align. In moments of stress, a hug, a light caress or a kind word from your partner helps to ease your body-budget burden. Sharing this burden is the biological basis of attachment.
健康的兩性關係能讓人更長壽。伴侶之間會在無意識地互相調節神經系統，最終雙方都獲益。你們的心率開始同步，呼吸開始同步，甚至連激素水平也達到平衡。重壓之下，一個擁抱、輕撫或是一句貼心的話都能緩解身體因努力保持收支平衡而感到的壓力。分擔壓力是兩性關係的生物基礎。
The best thing for your nervous system is another person. Unfortunately, the worst thing for your nervous system is also another person. An unhealthy relationship can screw up your body budget and, with it, your health and your life. So what makes for a healthy or unhealthy relationship, and how do you maintain one? Buddhism offers a set of guidelines for how to treat your partner (and yourself) to minimise suffering. The logic here is not straightforward and requires some explanation, so here』s a short primer on Buddhism.
對一個人的神經系統最有益處的是另外一個人。不幸的是，對神經系統最有害的也是另一個人。一段不健康的關係會擾亂身體預算、危害健康，影響生活水平。那麼如何判斷一段關係是否健康呢？又該如何維繫一段健康的關係呢？佛教的一套思想可以指導我們如何正確對待伴侶（以及與自己相處），從而把傷害降到最低。看到這裡可能會一頭霧水，需要進一步解釋說明，所以讓我們先簡單地了解佛教。
Buddhism has been around for thousands of years. Some think of it as a religion, others as a set of principles for living a good life. Either way, millions of people in the Western world have realised that you needn』t be a Buddhist to understand and try some of its ideas. Numerous books explain how to apply Buddhism to be happier, healthier and more mindful. But Buddhism is more than just a reason to buy a meditation cushion. It holds some ironic secrets to a more satisfying, quality relationship.
佛教已有數千年的歷史。有些人把其看作宗教，其他人把則把它看作美好生活的指南。不管看法如何，如今無數西方人已經意識到，不是只有佛教徒才能理解並踐行佛教思想。無數的書籍教人們如何應用佛教的思想來變得更加快樂、健康和清醒。但信仰佛教並不意味著買個瑜伽墊就夠了，對於如何建立一段高滿意度、高質量的兩性關係，佛教揭示了一些頗具諷刺意味的秘密。
A key idea of Buddhism is that everything constantly changes. Any object, such as a redtulipin your garden, changes moment to moment. Its colours change depending on the light. Thesheenon its petals changes depending on moisture in the air. Placed in the wrong location, such as a vegetable garden, a tulip ceases to be a flower and becomes a weed. The tulip has no single, unchanging essence. The same is true for you. You are real – you exist – but, from a Buddhist perspective, you have no intrinsic identity that is separate from the things going on around you. Your identity is constituted in the moment, in part, by your situation.
佛教的核心思想之一就是萬物恆變，任何事物都在時刻變化。比如你園中的一株紅色鬱金香，它的顏色會隨著光線變化，花瓣的光澤會因空氣濕度而改變。如果被種在了錯誤的地方，比如菜園子里，鬱金香就不是花而是雜草了。鬱金香沒有一個永恆不變的性質。人類也一樣。人類看似真實地存在於這個世界上，但從佛教的角度來看，人類和周圍的事物相比並沒有什麼不同。你僅僅存在於某一時刻，或存在於身處的境況中。
If you believe that you have a single, consistent, unchanging, core『self" that uniquely defines you, this belief, according to Buddhist philosophy, is the foundation of human suffering. Here, suffering is not merely physical discomfort, like having the flu or shutting a door on your hand. Suffering is personal: you"ll toil to avoid feeling flawed in some way. You"ll constantly worry about your reputation or that you"re failing to live up to standards created by others. In this sense, believing that you have one true self is worse than a passing physical illness; it is an enduring affliction (translation: a chronically imbalanced body budget).
有些人認為存在一個始終如一、永恆不變的內在「自我」，正是這個自我定義了自己。但根據佛教的思想，這種認知正是人間一切苦難的來源。這裡說的苦難，不僅是指身體上的不適，比如患流感或被門夾到了手。苦難是很私人的，你竭盡全力去讓自己變得相對完美，對自身名譽憂心忡忡，或者希望活成他人眼中的自己。在這個意義上，相信你有一個真正的自我比感染一場短暫的疾病更糟糕。因為相信自我帶來的病症是持續的（也就是身體長期收支不平衡）。
Many people go through life believing that they have an unchanging, core identity. They usually also think that their friends, families, acquaintances and lovers have enduring selves as well. No wonder, because we describe ourselves in this way all the time. We go on dates and quiz each other about what we"re like. In job interviews, the classic question is: 『Tell me about yourself.』 Zillions of surveys you see online and in magazines ask you to describe yourself: are you anintrovertor anextrovert? A dog person or cat person? When we answer these kinds of questions, we are almost always looking to reveal the unchanging features of a core, enduring identity.
許多人終其一生都認為他們擁有一個永遠不會改變的核心特質。他們一般認為自己的親友、家人、熟人、愛人也有這樣貫穿始終的自我。這不奇怪，一直以來，我們一直是這樣描述自己的。約會時，我們會詢問對方他是什麼樣的人。面試中，最經典的問題是「談談你自己吧」。無數網上或雜誌上的測試都要求你描述自己——你是內向型人格還是外向型人格？喜歡狗還是喜歡貓？當我們回答這類問題時，大多數人總是希望去揭示自己核心並貫穿始終的自我中那個永恆不變的特徵。
Buddhism warns that the enduring self is an illusion. Instead, your『self』depends on context. It"s normal to be friendly in one situation, shy in another, and rude in a third. When you cling to the fiction that you have a real, enduring and important self – known asreifyingthe self – this sets you up for a miserable life. You will crave material things thatbolsterthis fiction. You』ll crave wealth. You』ll crave power. You』ll cling to compliments and adoration from others, even if they』re lies. But the real problem here is not that others deceive you, but that you are deceiving yourself. These cravings are golden handcuffs that bring immediate pleasure but also, by reinforcing your illusory self, entrap you and cause persistent suffering, negative emotion, and enslavement to a fragile and fictional existence.
佛教警惕世人，恆久不變的自我是一種幻覺。所謂的「自我」其實是因時而變的。人可以時而友善，時而害羞，時而粗魯。人存在一個真實、持久和關鍵的自我其實是一種假象，相信這個假象的人——或者說把所謂的自我具象化的人——註定一生悲慘。他們會貪圖錢財、追逐權力，享受他人的甜言蜜語、阿諛奉承。這些物質追求吹大了假象的泡沫。但最重要的不是別人欺騙你，而是你在自欺欺人。這些慾望就像金手銬，雖然能通過強化假象的「自我」帶來一時歡愉，但最終卻只能束縛你、給你帶來無盡的痛苦、讓你情緒低落，成為不堪一擊、虛假自我的奴隸。
bloster/?b??lst?(r) / v. to improve sth or make it stronger 改善；加強
One of Buddhism"s main tools to avoid reifying the self (or objects in the world) is mindfulness meditation. According to certain styles of Buddhist philosophy, all human experiences can be broken down into basic elements, kind of like『atoms" that make up thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Wisdom, in Buddhist terms, means experiencing these basic elements directly, without the haze of cravings and desires that come along with the belief in an unchanging self. Mindfulness meditation can break through the illusion that objects and other people and even you are the same from moment to moment. Then we can see things as they truly are, experiencing each moment as raw sensation without implication beyond the moment itself.
避免具象化自我，佛教提供的一個主要方法是有意識的冥想。佛教的某些流派認為，所有的人生體驗都可以被分解成基本元素，這些元素就像「原子」，構成了人的思想、感受和認知。在佛教中，智慧就是不受惑於永恆不變的自我，不被渴望和慾望所擋，直接地感知這些元素。有意識的冥想破除假象，讓人明白萬事萬物、芸芸眾生包括你自己，都是時刻變化的。這樣人們待人接物時就會看到本質，無時無刻都用一種樸素的情感去感受世界，而不會過度解讀。
For example, if you encounter an invasive tulip in your vegetable garden, you might be tempted to rip it out of the ground, or pick it to give to your lover. A Buddhist perspective would be that you"re seeing the tulip through a filter of your own needs and desires, which are bound up with your illusory idea of self. To see the tulip as it truly is, you must let go of self-focused stories about the tulip – how it doesn"t belong there, or how much your lover would like it – and experience the tulip in a way that"s unrelated to your own needs. Notice its beautiful colour. Be awed by the power of nature. Experience the irony of a flower thriving among thelegumes. Appreciate the tulip because it』s there, not because you"re there. In Buddhist philosophy, this is a key facet of wisdom.
舉個例子，假如你在菜園中看到了一株亂入的鬱金香，你可能會想把它拔起來或採下來送給你的愛人。佛教則認為，如果你僅從自身的需要和慾望出發來看待這株鬱金香那麼你就受制於假象中的自我。要看到這株鬱金香的本質，你必須放棄以自我為中心，不能僅僅看到鬱金香是多麼格格不入以及你的愛人看到它時開心的模樣，而是要從客觀的角度看待它。欣賞它美麗的顏色，敬畏於大自然的力量。花朵在菜園中欣欣向榮，這是多麼諷刺啊！忘記自身的存在，單純因為鬱金香本身而去欣賞它，在佛教的思想中，這就是智慧的要義所在。
What does this wisdom mean in practice? You can use it to access your own experience more clearly. When you feel furious and have a pounding heartbeat and a sweaty brow, it is easy to get caught up in a story about that fury and even fuel more of it. But meditation can help you attend to the heartbeat and the sweating as purely physical sensations, and let the anger dissolve. In Buddhist terminology, you"re deconstructing your anger – and your illusory self – into its basic elements and gaining wisdom in the process. Deconstructing the self isn"t easy: it can take years to become skilled at it (just ask a Buddhist monk), but it』s possible with practice.
那在現實中智慧意味著什麼？智慧可以讓我們更加清晰地分析自身的經歷。當你怒不可遏、心跳加速、滿頭大汗時，你很容易被怒氣沖昏頭腦，並越想越氣。但冥想能夠讓你了解，心跳和流汗只是純粹的生理反應，如此一來，怒氣便會慢慢消退。佛教認為，你把怒氣和假象中的「自我」進行重構，了解它們的本質並從中領悟了智慧。重構自我不是一件簡單的事，需要常年修鍊（不信看看和尚），但不斷練習還是可以達成的。
Another practical application of this wisdom is the simple recognition of change. A close look at the tulip reveals constant change, and that" s true of you too. So, for example, you couldbe scrupulously honestone day and a cheating skunk the next, and neither one represents your true self because you don" t have one. You are simply configured differently in the two situations. This kind of outlook can cultivate compassion for yourself when you behave badly or screw up. You" re not intrinsically a bad person – you just behaved badly in some context.
智慧還可以讓人更加容易地承認改變。細看鬱金香，人們能發現鬱金香的改變；審視自己，亦是如此。比如曾經低眉順眼的老實人轉頭成了劈腿的渣男，但其實這兩種狀態都不能代表一個人真實的「自我」，因為根本沒有自我這回事。如果你搞砸了玩脫了，這種認知能夠讓你對自己懷有慈悲之心。你本質上不是一個壞人，你只是在某些時候沒做好而已。
be scrupulously honest極為誠實
The idea of a constantly changing self is echoed in modern psychology. Sometimes you represent yourself by your career. Sometimes you" re a friend. Sometimes you" re a parent, or a child, or a lover. Sometimes you" re a musician, an artist, a cook, a handyman. Sometimes you" re just a body. Social psychologists model this diversity as『multiple selves" , based on pioneering research in the 1980s by the social psychologist Hazel Markus, who showed that people have a repertoire of different selves for different occasions.
不斷改變的自我也常見於現代哲學中。你的角色可能職場人、朋友、父母、子女和伴侶。你可能是一名音樂家、藝術家、廚師或雜工。有時，你只是一副軀殼而已。如今，社會心理學家把這種多重性稱為多重自我。上世紀80年代，社會心理學家黑茲爾·馬庫斯進行了突破性的研究，表明人們在不同的情景下有不同的自我，為上述理論奠定了基礎。
All of these ideas apply not only to your own self, but also to the selves of others. When you reify someone else, you mistake the person who is with you in the present moment as enduring in time, with no change. Thus, that『psycho ex』whom you dated last year is both a『psycho" and an『ex" today and forever. This mindset is seen as a barrier to compassion that enhances suffering in the world. Instead, Buddhism suggests that you try to see other people as they actually are, even yournuttyex. When you don" t reify them in terms of your own needs – think of the tulip here – you can more easily have compassion for them. In the process, you reduce their suffering and yours.
這些思想不僅僅適用於自己，也適用於他人。當你具象化他人（的自我）時，你就會誤以為眼前的這個人永遠不會改變。因此你的去年約會過的「神經病前任」永遠都是如此，這種心態不利於慈悲之心的產生，反而會加重你的痛苦。佛教因此勸誡世人看到他人的本質，即使對方是你古怪的前任。當你不再按照自己的需求具象對方時——就像你對鬱金香那樣——你就更能理解他們的所作所為。與此同時，你們雙方所受到的痛苦也會減輕。
At first glance, Buddhism seems at odds with the scientific evidence that people are social animals. We know that strong attachments to other people are vital for your health; without them, you wither and die sooner. Buddhism, on the other hand, suggests that relationships involving strong attachments can be problematic, precisely because those attachments make it difficult to see ourselves and others clearly. But ironically, Buddhist thought also offers some compelling suggestions for building and maintaining healthy bonds that are echoed in the emerging science of relationships.
乍看之下，佛教似乎和人類是社會性動物這一科學事實格格不入。我們知道對他人的強烈依戀對我們的健康至關重要，沒有這種感情，我們很快就會萎靡不振甚至最終死去。但佛教卻認為，這種強烈的依戀是有問題的，它會讓我們很難真正認清彼此。但諷刺的是，佛教思想中同樣強烈建議人們建立和維持人和人之間健康的紐帶，而這也是新興的兩性關係學所倡導的。
The first suggestion is don" t reify your partner. Have you ever heard a friend complain about his partner (or ex), saying:『He isn" t the man I thought he was,』or『She" s a different person now』? In Buddhist terms, your friend is suffering because he reified his partner in the service of reifying himself. It" s a common story. Two people meet, they get to know each other, and they experience strong feelings for each other based on that knowledge. In neuroscience terms, strong feelings for another person are always accompanied by the brain』s beliefs of what the other person is like. Those beliefs, which neuroscientists call predictions, are like a filter through which you learn about and experience the other person in terms of your own needs. Such filters set you up to reify your fictional self and your partner.
佛教的第一個建議是，不要具象化你的伴侶。你是否聽過朋友抱怨自己的伴侶（或前任）「他不是我以為的那個人」或「她變了」？在佛教看來，你的朋友之所以困擾，就是因為他在具象化自己的基礎上將伴侶具象化了。這很常見，兩個人相遇、熟識，並基於自己對方了解的基礎上開始對對方產生強烈的感情。神經學發現，當這種強烈感情產生時，人的大腦總是會形成對對方的印象。神經學上把這種印象稱為「預期」，在預期的濾鏡之下，人們會根據自己的需要去了解和感知另一個人，並進而讓你具象化你假象中的自我和伴侶的自我。
Buddhist philosophy offers another route. Passion, desire and intensity of feeling aren" t necessarily bad if you harness them to understand who the other person is – not an unchanging self, but an individual in a given situation. Go ahead and have strong feelings, but drop the story about your partner (that is, resist the predictions) accompanying those feelings. Instead, treat the feelings as a signal to learn who your partner is right now, in the moment. Be open to learning something new (or as neuroscientists put it, learning『prediction error』).
佛教思想提供了另外一種選擇。激情、慾望和強烈的情感並不一定是壞事，你可以通過它們去真正了解對方的本質，理解對方的自我不是一成不變的，而且在特定情境下的個體放手去愛，愛情可以轟轟烈烈，但你不要過多想像（不要形成預期）。在這些濃烈的感情中了解當下伴侶的模樣，並準備好接受他另一面（即神經學所說的，接受「預期錯誤」）。
Relationship science suggests that romantic relationships are healthier when you and your partner see each other in an unrealistically positive light. This phenomenon, called positive illusions, involves exaggerating or even imagining positive qualities in your partner. Oddly enough, there" s evidence that positive illusions can bolster healthy relationships. Couples who idealise one another feel more satisfied in their relationship. From a Buddhist perspective, however, these types of illusions usually emerge from the need to cling to your reified sense of self. In the long run, they can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Instead, try accentuating the positive without the illusions. People are more satisfied with their marriages when their spouses see virtues in them that they do not see themselves. An easy way to do this is to see your partner" s actions in the most charitable light.
兩性關係學認為，當你和你的伴侶通過「蘋果光」看待對方時，（蘋果光」是攝影棚內專業燈光師運用的打光技術，用補光、調光、散射、衍射技巧，勾勒出演員清晰柔美的五官輪廓，修飾遮蔽皮膚瑕疵，展現演員纖細完美的膚質和氣色。）你們的關係會更健康。這種現象叫做「積極幻想」，它意味著你要放大甚至想像伴侶身上的積極品質。研究發現，積極幻想能夠神奇地提升雙方關係的質量。如果一方能將對方理想化，那麼他對於雙方關係的滿意度就會更高。但從佛教的角度來看，這種幻想的產生往往要依賴於自我的具象化，長期以來會帶來不切實際的期待和失望。可以更加積極地看待對方，但不要心存幻想。當伴侶在自己身上看到就連自己也沒有發現的品質時，夫妻雙方會對婚姻更加滿意。要做到這一點，比較簡單的方法是寬容地對待伴侶。
For example, suppose your spouse is inattentive to details, and shoves items into the refrigerator without considering what might get knocked over. You could frame this behaviour as stupidity, or in terms of the inconvenience it causes you, or even as a positive illusion (『He』s an absent-minded genius』). Or instead, you could frame this behaviour in a more charitable light: that your spouse has a lot on his or her mind, or is getting older. You could even view your spouse』s inattentiveness as a positive quality, like not noticing that new roll ofpudgearound your middle.
比如說，你的伴侶大大咧咧，總是把物品一股腦塞進冰箱，絲毫不考慮有些東西可能會磕壞。由於這種行為給你帶來了麻煩，你可以說他很蠢，也可以採用積極幻想的方式（說「他是心不在焉的天才」）。或者，你也可以寬容地看待這個行為，認為你的伴侶只是有太多要操心的事情，或已垂垂老矣。你甚至可以把這種不拘小節看作一種良好的品質，比如這樣他/她就會忽略你的大肚腩了。
When you view your partner" s actions in a charitable light, you" re not creating a fiction, you" re acknowledging the many possibilities for what your partner" s actions mean. Like the tulip, your partner is ever-changing.
當你寬容地看待伴侶的行為時，你並不是在幻想，你只是承認這種行為背後可能存在各種原因。畢竟你的伴侶就像那朵鬱金香一樣是不斷變化的。
But what if you and your partner" s problems are more serious than a battle over fridge space? What if your partner utters snide remarks intended to cause you pain, or even takes a swing at your head? First and foremost, you have to make sure that you" re physically safe. A Buddhist perspective would never be to stand there being mindful. But afterward, Buddhism offers a perspective on what to do next. Partners who let loose with abusive behaviour are trying to achieve some goal, often to make themselves feel better, bolster self-esteem and reify the self. They" re confused about how to relieve their own suffering. If you understand the root of their aggression, it is easier to foster compassion and empathy for them. Compassion doesn" t mean that you agree to be a punching bag. But it gives you space to consider ways to prevent others from harming you further, and from harming themselves.
但如果你們之間的問題比冰箱之爭更嚴重呢？如果你的伴侶對你說了一些尖酸刻薄的話，讓你痛苦萬分，或甚至對你拳腳相加呢？首先，你必須要確保自己的人身安全。佛教絕不是讓你在上述情景中站在那裡一動不動地冥想。但佛教能夠為你接下來的選擇提供一些參考。訴諸極端的伴侶其實是想要達到某些目的，比如讓自己感覺良好、維護自尊或自我具象化。他們因不知該如何減輕自己的痛苦而困惑。如果你理解了他們侵略性舉動背後的根源，你就會更容易對他們產生同情悲憫之心，這並不意味著你要成為出氣筒，但能讓你有空間去思考如何避免別人進一步傷害你和自我傷害。
Snide/sna?d / adj. criticizing sb/sth in an unkind and indirect way 諷刺的；挖苦的
A great example happened in December 2017 when the actress Sarah Silverman was trolled on Twitter by Jeremy Jamrozy, who called her a 『cunt" . Instead of firing back or ignoring the Tweet, Silverman responded with compassion. She read Jamrozy』s Twitter profile and guessed that he was being abusive because he was in severe pain. She started a conversation with him, he apologised, and Silverman helped him look for a back specialist. The story went viral, and Jamrozy established a crowdfunding campaign for his $150 in medical expenses. The campaign raised more than $4,500 – all because Silverman took time to understand the feelings behind the insult. A battle requires two opponents, so if you decline to fight, then the conflict fizzles and provides an opportunity to flourish.
一個典型的例子是，2017年12月，女演員莎拉·斯爾弗曼在網上受到了惡意攻擊，一個叫做傑里米·詹羅茲的網友罵她「蕩婦」。斯爾弗曼沒有回擊或無視那條推特，而且用一種充滿悲憫之心的態度回應了對方。她查看了詹羅茲的推特介紹，猜測他之所以這樣惡毒是因為他的身體極度痛苦。在雙方交談過後，詹羅茲向斯爾弗曼道歉，斯爾弗曼則為他介紹了一位背部專家。這件事馬上上了熱搜，斯爾弗曼還發起了眾籌項目，用於支付他150美元的醫藥費。項目最終籌措超過4500美元的資金。這一切之所以能夠發生，就是因為斯爾弗曼選擇去了解攻擊背後的真情實感。一個巴掌拍不響，所以只要不爭鋒相對，衝突自然就會消解，雙方才有機會繼續走下去
Of course, compassion sometimes isn』t enough to help others out of the maze of their own confusion. Wisdom also means knowing when to quit the relationship. A Buddhist approach is to separate without being angry andvindictive. Anger is a form of ignorance of the other person』s perspective. If you cannot dissolve that anger with an injection of mindfulness, then at the very least, try to shower a little compassion on yourself.
當然，有時悲憫之心無法解決所有人的困惑。所以，智慧同樣告訴人們何時該結束一段關係。佛教教人不帶怒氣和報復之心地分手。憤怒意味著你無法從對方的角度思考。如果無法通過思考來消除怒氣，那好歹放過自己。
vindictive/v?n?d?kt?v / adj. trying to harm or upset sb, or showing that you want to, because you think that they have harmed you 想復仇的；報復性的；懷恨的
The second Buddhism-inspired suggestion for a healthy relationship is don" t see your partner only in terms of yourself. You probably know some people who think everything revolves around them. They do things for others because it gets them what they want. For example, if you received an offer of a new job, your partner might push you to negotiate a higher salary not for your own happiness, but because you are your partner" s meal ticket. You" re treated like an object as your partner reifies his or her self. In a healthier relationship, your partner would see you as a person with your own thoughts, feelings, experiences and needs that are important to you. It"s OK to earn less if it』s a more fulfilling job. This mindset, which relationship scientists call responsiveness, shows compassion for you, and ultimately reduces suffering for you and your partner.
其次，要維持一段健康的關係，還不能根據自己的需要看待伴侶。你也許見過一些人，總是以為地球是圍著他們轉的。他們付出是為了得到自己想要的東西。比如，當你得到一份新工作時，你的伴侶也許會催你去要求更高的工資，這不是希望你能快樂，而是因為你只不過是他/她的飯票。對方把你當做具象化自我的物品。在更加健康的關係中，伴侶會把你當做有獨立思想、感受、經驗和需求的人，並理解它們對你的重要性。賺得少沒關係，只要這份工作能給你帶來成就感就可以了。這種在關係學中被稱為「響應能力」的思維方式，證明了伴侶對你是心存慈憫之心的，這最終會減輕你們雙方的痛苦。
The third suggestion derived from Buddhist ideas is that relationships are constructed by two people in synchrony. A Buddhist concept called mutuality (or shared karma) means that two people can have shared intentions and actions that lead to shared consequences. In relationship science, mutuality is called goal interdependence.
第三個根據佛教思想提出的建議是，一段關係的建立需要兩個人步調一致。佛教中有一個「共業」的概念，指兩個人能夠有共同的目標，一起付諸行動，並最終達成圓滿的結局。在關係學中，共業就是兩個人的目標相互依存，相互成就。
Mutuality is beneficial for romantic relationships. For example, suppose your partner comes up behind you and rubs your shoulders. Maybe the gesture means he or she is grateful to be with you or simply wants to be close to you. Or maybe it』s a request for sex. Either way, as long as you and your partner agree on the meaning – gratitude, closeness, lust – you are constructing your relationship together. In neuroscience terms, mutuality means that the predictions launched by your brain and your partner" s brain in the moment are compatible.
共業能夠改善兩性關係。比如你的伴侶在你的身後輕揉你的肩膀，這可能意味著對方在對你表達感激之情，也可能他/她只是想和你親近一些。又或許，這是一種求歡的信號。不論是感激、親密還是情慾，只要你和伴侶兩個人對這個舉動有共同的解讀，你們就是在共築你們的關係。在神經科學中，共業意味著在某個時候伴侶和你的大腦中產生的「預期」是一致的。
Being in agreement is not enough, however, if your partner is also reifying you: feeling possessive rather than grateful, or objectifying you rather than connecting with you. These meanings have nothing to do with you per se, and everything to do with your partner』s cravings. Even if you』re in agreement, your relationship is in trouble. Mutuality is about creating a story together, sharing experiences where you』re more than mere actors in each other"s narratives.
如果你的伴侶也在把你具象化、如果你感受到的是佔有慾而非感激之情，如果你的伴侶在把你物化而非與你溝通，那麼僅僅思想一致是遠遠不夠的。因為他/她的一切舉動不是為了你，而僅僅是為了滿足自己的慾望，這樣就算有默契，你們的關係也是存在問題的。共業是指雙方一起書寫你們的故事，分享人生的經歷，在對方的劇本中，你們不僅僅是演員。
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