在人際關係中 90％的人都會犯的一個錯

01

在人際關係上,我們經常有一種錯覺:兩個人的關係越好,越不容易發生衝突。

但實際上我們看到,像情侶之間、父母和子女之間,這些基本上是最親密的關係了,但現實生活中還是有非常多的矛盾和衝突的。

所以,衝突的數量和人們之間的熟悉程度,親密程度並沒有必然的聯繫。也就是說,兩個人不會因為關係非常好就不發生衝突,相反,越是親密的關係發生衝突的幾率反而更大一些。

心理學認為,衝突的產生並不取決於關係的遠與近,而是取決於差異,當一個人的動機、目標、信念、觀點與他人有不同時,就容易發生人際衝突。

當然,這也並不是絕對的,如果我們處理得當的話,很多的衝突是可以及時化解的。但可惜的是,在與人交往的時候,90%的人會犯一個錯誤,恰恰是這個錯誤導致了衝突的產生,甚至是矛盾的升級。

這個錯誤就是接觸反應。

所謂抵觸反應,就是當我們受到批評的時候,或者別人對我們有一些不好的評價時,我們就很容易覺得自己受到了攻擊,因此迅速產生了激烈的抵觸情緒,然後回擊對方。

比如在家裡,經常會出現這樣的情況。夫妻兩個人因為一些雞毛蒜皮的瑣事開始吵架,兩個人都覺得自己有道理,都覺得委屈,於是誰也不服,針鋒相對,最後吵得不可開交。

其實如果事後理性分析的話,就會發現,當兩個人在吵架的時候,表面上是在講道理,其實是在講情緒。真正講道理的人是吵不起來的。吵起來的人都是打著講道理的幌子來發泄自己情緒。

這就是抵觸反應的破壞性作用,它會把溝通的方向引到對立和對抗的方向上來,最終導致溝通的失敗。

In relationships , We often have anillusion. : The better the relationship between two people. , The less likely it is to conflict.

But actually wesee , Like between lovers, between parents and children. ,These are basically theclosest relationships. , But in real life there are still a lot ofcontradictions and conflicts.

So, , The number ofconflicts and the degree of familiarity between people ,Intimacy is not necessarilylinked. That is, two people don"t conflict because they"re very good in a relationship,on the ,contrary, ,,The more intimate relationships are, themore likely they are to conflict.

Psychologybelieves that , Conflicts do not depend on the distance and proximity of relationships , It depends onthe difference. , When a person"s motivations, goals, beliefs, andopinions are different from others , It is prone to interpersonal conflict.

Of course I do. , It"s notabsolute. , If we handle it properly, , Many conflicts can be resolved in a timely manner.Unfortunately, ,90%of people make a mistake ,when dealing with people. It is this mistake that has led to conflict, ,and even an escalation of contradictions.

The mistake isthe contact reaction.

So-calledresistance , It"s when we"re criticized. , Or when someone else has some bad comments aboutus. , It"s easy for us to feel like we"ve been attacked. ,So there was a quickbacklash. , Then hit back at the other person.

Like at home. , This is oftenthe case. The husband and wife because of some trifle began to quarrel, both ,of them feel that they have a , reason, bothfeel aggrieved, ,So no one is convinced ,tit-for-tat ,finally noisy .

In fact, if therational analysis after the fact, , you"ll find out , When two people are fighting, , On the surface,it"s reasonable. , It"s actually about emotions. The real truth isthat the man can"t make a noise. The quarrelling people are using the cover ofreason to vent their emotions.

That"sthe destructive effect of resistance. , It will lead the direction of communication to thedirection of confrontation and confrontation. , Ultimately leads to a failure of communication.

02

那麼,什麼樣的人更容易有抵觸反應呢?

自我價值感低的人。

他們經常看低自己,覺得自己是不受歡迎的,或者是沒有價值的。他們很害怕別人對自己有負面的評價和看法,因為這樣就點到了他們的痛楚,揭了他們內心的「傷疤」。

這就是為什麼自我價值感低的人會特別敏感。他們會下意識的認為「批評就是拒絕」「如果別人批評我,就意味著我很差勁」。持這種觀念的人,會在面對別人的負面評價時有過度的反應,從而形成抵觸反應,表現出來就是一點就著,容易和別人急。

而自我價值感高的人在面對別人批評時會更包容些,因為他們從心底就相信自己並不差,即使別人批評自己,他們也會認為對方針對的是自己做的一件事,而不是自己本人。

他們會把評價事和評價人分開,事情辦的不好,那隻能說明在這件事情上,有提升能力的空間。他們不會拿一件事的好壞來否定自己,不會犯這種低級錯誤。

在這種心理邏輯下,他們的自尊一般不會受到威脅,所以他們的反應也不會過度,往往是就事論事而已。

So, what"s , What kind ofperson is more likely to react to resistance??

A person with alow sense of self-worth.

They often lookdown on themselves. , I think you"re not welcome. , Or it"sworthless. They are afraid of people having negative comments and opinionsabout themselves, ,because this points to their pain , exposes their inner "scars".

That"s why peoplewith low sense of self-worth are particularly sensitive. They subconsciouslythink that "criticism is rejection" and "if others criticize me,,it means I"m bad". People who holdthis concept ,will overreact in theface of negative comments from others ,thus creating a resistance . ,Showing is a little bit, ,easy and others anxious.

And people with ahigh sense of self-worth are more tolerant in the face of criticism. , Because theybelieve from the bottom of their hearts that they"re not bad. , Even if otherscriticize themselves, , They"ll also think the other person is targetingsomething they do. , not himself.

They"re going toseparate the evaluation from the person they say. , Things don"t work well. , That just meansit"s on this. , There is room for improvement. They don"t deny themselves the good or badof a thing, they ,won"t make such a low-level mistake.

In thispsychological logic, , Their self-esteem is generally not threatened. , So they"re notoverreacting. , It"s often just a matter of things.

03

那麼,在具體的溝通當中,我們有沒有什麼辦法可以避開接觸反應的陷阱呢?

有一個辦法是:用接納反應代替接觸反應。

接納反應是什麼意思呢?

比如在溝通的時候,別人的一些行為讓我們不舒服,心理很不爽。這個時候我們有兩個選擇。

一是和對方爭辯,想盡一切辦法證明我是對的,你是錯的。這樣做會導致什麼結果呢?我們可以想想現在微博里的那些評論,不管發生什麼新聞事件,總有一群人在留言區爭論,各說各的道理,誰也不服誰,最後互相謾罵和攻擊。這就是爭對錯多數情況下的發展方向。

但是我們還有一種選擇,就是接納對方的情緒。如果是我說的不對,我很抱歉,然後向你道歉;如果是你的問題,那我也能理解你的想法和反應,然後大家冷靜一下,等情緒處理好了再繼續溝通。

So, what"s , In specificcommunication , Is there any way we can avoid the trap of contact reaction??

One way is : Replace contactresponse with acceptance reaction.

What does it meanto accept the reaction??

Like whencommunicating. , Some of the actions of others make us uncomfortable. , Psychologicallyunpleasant. At this point we have two choices.

One is to arguewith the other side. , Trying to do everything i can to prove me right. , You are wrong.What will happen ? to this? We can think about the comments onTwitter right now. , No matter what the news happens, , There"s always agroup of people arguing in the message area. , The reasons for each , No one"s goingto say no to anyone , Finally, they scold and attack each other. This isthe direction of the right and wrong in most cases.

But we have achoice. , Is to accept the other person"s emotions. If I"m not right, ,I"m sorry, ,and then I apologize to you; ;If it"s your problem, , Then I can understand your thoughts and reactions., Thencalm down. , Wait for the emotions to be handled and then continue to communicate.

這樣的話,會保證溝通一直在一個正確的軌道上,不會出現大的偏差。

舉個例子:

比如你和客戶約好了在上午8點鐘在辦公室談一個事情,但是你遲到了半個小時。對方有些生氣,向你發火。接納反應是怎麼處理的呢:

「真的很抱歉,讓你等了這麼久,換成我等這麼長時間我也會生氣的,所以我很能理解你現在的心情和感受。」

這樣別人一看你能接納和體諒他的情緒,他會有什麼反應呢?多數情況下,他會覺得你是一個有涵養人的人,然後也會反思剛才自己發火是不是顯得沒有涵養,顯得自己小氣。反而在心理會對你多了一份認同。

也就是說,當兩個人在相處中有情緒的時候,不要先急於去相互攻擊,而是去梳理好彼此的心情。因為情緒不對時,事情怎麼談都是不會對的。

當然,接納反應並不是一件很容易就能做到的事,它需要我們不斷的努力和嘗試。但是一旦我們可以坦然的使用這樣的溝通方式,就可以減少生活中很多無謂的衝突,從而提高我們處理人際關係的能力。

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