只要我肯努力，沒有什麼事情是我搞不砸的

台灣喪茶火了，我們都愛【消極男子】瞎說大實話！

這本《我只是對人生過敏》出自一位愛英語愛畫畫的俄羅斯英文老師；為了方便學生記憶，她不但變身插畫師，還變身段子手，將枯燥的英文編成妙趣橫生的文字遊戲。

這也是國內第一本呆萌治癒系相框書，感受一下

I fail to understand

the "good" part of "good morning".

我就不明白了，

「早上好」到底好在哪裡。

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I love food more than I love people.

食物比人更得我心。

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Everyone s getting a boyfriend

and you know what I m getting?

FATTER

別人都有新男友，

我卻只有新贅肉。

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If robbers even broke into my house and searched for money,

I d just laugh and search with them.

要是有劫匪闖入我的屋子裡找錢，

我只會大笑著和他們一起找。

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When I die,bury me under the pub…

So my husband will visit me 7 times a week!

在我死後，請將我葬在酒吧下面……

這樣我的丈夫就能一個星期來看我七次了！

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Why can t someone look at me

the same way I look at pizza?

為什麼別人看我的方式

不能像我看比薩那樣呢？

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Every once in a while

I check up on people I hate

to make sure I still hate them.

每隔一段時間，

我就會核對一遍我討厭的人，

確保我仍然恨著他們。

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Even on Valentine s Day,

my secret admirers take the secret part seriously.Good for them.

即使在情人節，

我的暗戀者都能嚴格保守秘密。

可真夠難為他們的。

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I m waiting for the daythat scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.

我等待著科學家成功治癒 「順其自然綜合征」的那一天。

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If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cellphone,my keys, my temper,or even my mind,I d be SO skinny!

如果丟掉體重像丟手機、丟鑰匙、丟耐性， 甚至丟掉理智一樣容易，那我早已骨瘦如柴！

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Old people at weddings always poke me

and say "You re next."

So,I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

老人們喜歡在婚禮上戳戳我，

並對我說： 「下一個就是你啦。」

所以，我開始在葬禮上以牙還牙。

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If I knew I wasn t going to fall asleep in the last 2 hours,I could have been using the Internet!

早知道花了兩個小時都沒睡著，

我本可以好好上上網的！

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I find the easiest way to expand my vocabulary is to make up new words.

我發現，要拓展我的辭彙量，

最好的方法是自造新詞。

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I just feel so irrelephant…

I just feel so irrelephant…

我就是覺得自己風馬牛不相及……

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Top 4 wishes:

1)To earn money without working.

2)To be smart without studying.

3)To love without being hurt.

4)To eat without getting fat.

四個最想實現的願望：

1.不勞而獲 2.不學有術 3.相愛無傷 4.狂吃不胖

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We are best friends.

Always remember that if you fall,

I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.

我們是最好的朋友。

永遠記住，我會在你摔倒的時候將你扶起……

當然，是在我笑夠之後。

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Three reasons to be a teacher. June,July,August.

當老師的三個原因：六月、七月、八月。

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Don t feel bad about doing nothing.

Pandas don t do anything

and look how great they are!

別為無所事事而懊惱。

熊貓什麼也不做，

可他們好著呢！

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If stupid people did not exist,

the Internet would be boring.

如果蠢貨不存在，

上網還有什麼樂趣。

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Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you re in an argument you ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

身為企鵝最可悲的一點也許是，一場激烈的爭吵後， 你邁著堅毅的步伐憤然離開， 而在別人眼中卻是一個搖搖擺擺賣萌的小可愛。

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Newton s third law of emotion:

for every male action there is a female overreaction.

牛頓第三情感定律：

男人的每一次反應，

都對應著女人的一次過度反應。

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Birthdays are good for your health.

Studies have shown that

people who have more birthdays live longer.

過生日有益健康。

研究表明，

生日過得越多的人活得越久。

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When a girl says "Do whatever you want"

do NOT do whatever you want.

如果一個女孩對你說：「做你想做的」，

千萬不要做你想做的。

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If a woman is upset,hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

如果一個女人心煩， 擁抱她並且告訴她她是多麼漂亮。 如果她開始咆哮， 後退以保持安全距離， 再丟塊巧克力給她。

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What if I got a boyfriend?

I wouldn t know what to do…

What do they eat?

How often do they have to be walked?

如果有了男朋友會怎樣？

我將無所適從……

該喂他們吃什麼？多久遛一次？

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Why didn t giraffe apologize?

It takes too long to swallow its pride.

為什麼長頸鹿不會道歉？

因為等待它自食傲慢遙遙無期。

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Wouldn t it be nice if the world was flat?

That way we could just push off the people we don t like.

如果世界是平的，不是很好嗎？

那樣我們就可以把不喜歡的人推下去了。

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Never trust a man with short legs…

his brain is too near his bottom.

Noel Coward

永遠不要相信腿短的男人……

他的腦子離腳底太近了。

——諾埃爾·科沃德（喜劇演員）

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Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

好女孩就是沒被揭穿的壞丫頭。

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Learn a lesson from your dog

no matter what life brings you,

kick some grass over that shit and move on.

向你的狗學習——

不管生活帶給你什麼，

往那坨狗屎上踢點兒草，

繼續撒丫子前進。

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This is Sahara toilet,

the biggest toilet in the world.

這是撒哈拉大廁所，

世界上最大的茅坑哦。

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Of coures I am in shape!

Round is a shape.

我當然很有型！

圓也是一種形啊。

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Coffee!Do stupid things faster with more energy!

咖啡！更快更精神地做傻事！

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True self-control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.

真正的自控是等到電影開始才吃爆米花。

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Strength is the ability to break chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and eat just one of those pieces.

真的勇士，就是可以徒手將巧克力掰成四瓣，卻只吃其中一塊。

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Couldn t find anything wrong with this one.

Maybe he s just lazy.

沒有檢查出任何異常，

可能他僅僅是犯懶了

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Waiting… for the perfect man

等待…… 等那個完美的男人。

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Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person says:hi

對方正在輸入…… 對方正在輸入…… 對方正在輸入…… 對方正在輸入…… 對方正在輸入…… 對方說：嗨。

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You re not fat.You re just… easier to see.

你並不胖，你只是…… 比較容易被認出來。

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Children:You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk.The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

孩子： 他們生命的頭兩年，

你竭盡全力地教他們如何走路和說話。

接下來的十六年？

你精疲力竭地讓他們坐下和閉嘴。

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mental abuse to humans

數學： 對人類施加的精神虐待。

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Fun facts: All objects are waterproof!

Some of them only one time…

趣味事實： 所有物體都是防水的！

雖然其中一部分只是一次性防水……

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FACE LIFTER

臉部提升

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-Are you crying? -No,I m having an allergic reaction. -To what? -To life.

——你在哭嗎？ ——沒有，我只是過敏了。 ——對什麼過敏？ ——人生。

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THE BEST FEELINGS IN THE WORLD ·Hot showers ·The first bite of a meal when you re really ·Tight hugs ·Crawing into,the bed after a long day ·Forehead kisses ·Waking up in the morning and actually feeling like you had enough sieep

世上最好的感覺： ·沖熱水澡 ·飢餓的時候吃到第一口飯 ·緊緊的擁抱 ·在累了一天之後爬上床 ·額頭上的親吻 ·在早上醒來，並感到自己確實得到了充足的睡眠

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The End

完

騙你的，未完待續

你有什麼私藏的【喪書】嗎？

就是那種不看還能活，

看了活不下去的負能量書籍

|

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