有人不喜歡你，怎麼辦？

「我喜歡你！」——「我知道。」

心理學世界：有人不喜歡你，怎麼辦？

What to Do When Someone Doesnt Like You | World of Psychology

譯者：方曉憶 原文作者：Therese J. Borchard

The other day a child psychologist was telling me about a very rigid, perfectionistic patient of hers.

前幾天，有一位兒童心理學家告訴我，她有一位思想頑固，追求完美主義的病人。

「I want to control what other people are thinking,」 the patient explained.

「我想控制他人的思想，」那個病人解釋道。

「How do you think you are going to do that?」 the therapist responded.

「那你覺得你打算怎麼做呢？」這位治療專家回答道。

The 11 year-old brainstormed but couldn』t come up with a solution. Finally the therapist interrupted her thought process and said, 「Do you know what you CAN control?」

這位11歲的病人絞盡腦汁也沒能想出個方法。最終那個治療專家打斷她思緒，說，「你知道你能夠控制什麼嗎？」

「What?」

「什麼啊？」

「What YOU are thinking.」

「你的思想。」

The young girl paused to think.

那個年幼的女孩停下來開始思考。

「No, that』s not good enough.」

「不，這還遠遠不夠。」

I laughed when I heard the story. As an adult child of an alcoholic, I especially have difficulty when someone doesn』t like me or approve of something I』m doing. And if I like and respect that person, the pain is even deeper. It feels as though the floor under me has disappeared, that I have no grounding or security, and I』m free falling to an unknown landing spot, where wild animals will probably eat my body.

聽說這個故事的時候，我大笑起來。作為酗酒少年，有人不喜歡我或不同意我做的事時，我尤其感到困難。而如果那個人是我喜歡，我尊重的人，我的痛苦甚至會更深。這種感覺就像我腳底的地板消失了一樣。沒有立足之地或安全感的我自由落體降到一個未知的地方，那裡的野生動物可能會吃掉我的。

I』ve had enough years of therapy to know that it is a leftover wound from childhood crap. The discomfort and panic that I feel at times doesn』t necessarily have that much to do with the person who doesn』t like me or approve of me as much as it does that I was never truly loved unconditionally as a child, and therefore spend so much of my adult life trying to win love and approval of everyone, including baristas, mail carriers, the women at the deli, the guys at the blood lab, and, of course, my doctors.

我做過多年的化療。知道這想法可能是童年的胡言亂語留下的陰影。我時常感到的難受與恐慌未必就和那個不喜歡或不同意我的人有什麼密切關係，正如，我的難受與恐慌和我從未孩子般無條件地真正被愛過一樣沒多大關係。因此，我在成年時期花了太多的時間，努力想贏得每個人的愛和贊同。這些人包括咖啡店員、郵遞員、得力的女職員、血液實驗室人員，當然還有我的醫生。

I call it my knee scab — the pain I feel at times when someone doesn』t like me or approve of something I』m doing. It』s an old wound that is vulnerable to being opened whenever I start to have a difficult conversation, whether it is in person, on the phone, or online.

當有人不喜歡我或不同意我做的事情時，我時常感到痛苦——我把它視為膝蓋傷疤。不管是面對面談，打電話，還是網聊，每當我開始交談不順利時，這是極其脆弱且容易揭開的舊傷疤。

When I was in the fourth grade, my left knee stayed bloody the whole year because I kept on falling on it. I』d think I could finally put the Band-Aids away when, bam! Again the same spot. The Law of Attraction people probably would say that I wanted a bloody knee and therefore attracted my accidents. But I think the spot was just tender, so any accident I had — and I was very clumsy — would break open the scab. It never had a chance to heal.

我讀四年級時，因為我總是摔傷到同一處，所以，我的左膝蓋一年到頭總是血跡斑斑。我以為我終於可以把邦迪撕開的時候，嗷嗚~！新傷又來了。人們也許會說這是我想自己膝蓋挂彩的吸引定律，因此它吸引我去揭開傷疤。但是，我覺得傷處只是很脆弱，因此任何事故的發生——以及我的笨手笨腳——都會破壞傷疤。我的膝蓋從未有機會癒合。

Yesterday I had another bloody knee. I felt the floor beneath me disappear again, and the rush of painful emotions from years past came over me. I lost my breath and my appetite, as the panic of not being loved or approved settled in. The night previous I was as authentic as possible in an email exchange with someone, sharing from my heart as best as I know how, and the response hurt my feelings. It was a little like the scene in Star Wars when Princess Leia yells to Hans Solo, 「I love you!」 And he responds, 「I know!」

昨天，我的膝蓋又流血了。我感覺腳下的地板再次消失了，過去幾年的痛苦突如其來湧上心頭。我喘不過氣來，沒了胃口，正如沒人愛我或同意我時恐慌的我。前天晚上，我儘可能真正地用郵件與他人徹底分享我的心理及受傷後揭傷疤的反應。這有幾分像星戰場景，雷奧公主沖漢斯·索羅大喊，「我愛你！」而他只回應，「我知道。」

Harriett Lerner, PhD, writes in The Dance of Connection: 「Truth is, nothing you can say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness. She may never love you, not now or ever. And if you are courageous in initiating, extending, or deepening a difficult conversation, you may feel even more anxious and uncomfortable, at least in the short run.」

哈里特·勒納教授在《連接舞蹈》書中寫道：「事實是，你不能說，也不能確保其他人會理解它，或按你所想的方式回應你。你可能永遠無法超越他的』耳聾門檻』，無論是現在還是過去，她可能永遠不會愛你。而如果你很勇敢地開始說，延伸或深入複雜的談話，你可能會感到更加焦慮和難受，至少在短期如此。」

That』s right, being courageous or authentic can create even more anxiety. However, to hide behind my truth isn』t an option. Lying makes me depressed because it causes all sorts of guilt. Remember, I』m Catholic. Although authenticity is more difficult in the short-term, I will get over this hollow feeling and scabbed knee. However, if I duck from all kinds of difficult conversations, I』m moving toward becoming a wuss. A depressed, guilt-ridden Catholic wuss.

沒錯，表現勇敢或實事求是甚至會產生更多焦慮。然而，躲在真理背後也不是個選擇。說謊使我壓抑，因為這會導致各種罪惡感。記住，我是名天主教徒。雖然實事求是在短期內是最困難的，但是，我將會渡過這個情緒低谷，使帶傷疤的膝蓋痊癒。然而，如果我逃避各種各樣的複雜談話，我就會慢慢變成一個懦弱的人。一個壓抑，受罪的天主教懦夫。

As I was trying to breathe through the difficult emotions yesterday, I asked myself, 「What would happen if this person absolutely hates you, despises your whole being, never wants anything to do with you again? Think worst possible scenario: you respect her, but she thinks you』re scum. Can you live with that?」

昨天我試圖做呼吸渡過複雜情緒時，我問自己，「如果這個人絕對討厭你，鄙視你，從不想再與你有任何關係，那會發生什麼呢？想想可能出現的最糟糕的情況，就是：你尊重她，但是，她卻覺得你就是人渣。你受得了嗎？」

I imagined the two people in my life who love me unconditionally — who would love me even if I robbed a bank tomorrow or was on the news for completely losing it this holiday season, riding a horse in the middle of the mall, wrecking all the Christmas decorations, Mike Leach.

我想像我一生中的兩個無條件愛我的人——即使我明天搶劫了銀行或是上了新聞整個節假期頭條，在商場中間騎馬，破壞所有的基督教裝飾，大喊褻瀆神靈的話——我的丈夫和養父即寫作導師，邁克·里奇，他們也會愛我。

I closed my eyes. I held on to a glove with each hand that I imagined was their hands. Together we walked up to the person who I think doesn』t like me. She spit on me. Mike said to me, 「It』s okay.」 I grabbed the gloves tightly and I felt their love over me. The unconditional love that was absent when my little brain was forming and I』ve been desperate to get it ever since.

我閉上雙眼。我的兩隻手各抓住一隻手套，想像成他們的手。我們一起走向那些我認為不喜歡我的人那裡。她向我吐口水，邁克對我說，「沒關係。」我緊緊抓住手套，感受到他們對我的愛。當我的小腦袋還在成形時，自此，我渴望想得到缺席的無條件的愛。

I was okay. Forehead a little moist. But I was okay.

我沒事。只是額頭有點濕，但是，我沒事。

I was loved.

有人愛我。

Eventually, if your recovery is going in the right direction, self-help experts say you don』t need to clutch gloves filled with imaginary hands because you have enough self-compassion to fill that place in your heart. Well, I am not there yet.

最後，如果你恢復的心理朝著正確方向，自助專家說你沒必要抓住手套，滿腦子想像的雙手，因為你有足夠的自我憐憫填補你心中的空缺。好了，我還沒到那裡呢。

I』m ahead of the 11-year old. I have accepted the fact that I can』t control what other people think.

我已經過了11歲了。我接受了自己不能控制他人思想的事實。

But I still have to nurse a bloody knee every now and then.

但是，我仍然得時常照看那個血跡斑斑的膝蓋。

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